Red Sox Credit Beards with Their Success This Season

The Boston Red Sox finished last season with a 69-93 record; good enough for last in the AL East.  A lot has changed since last then.  The Sox went out and added a slew of mediocre talent in players like Mike Napoli, Shane Victorino, Jonny Gomes and Stephen Drew.  But it’s something else that has this team just four wins away from their third World Series win in 95 years. It’s the beards!

“Before I had my beard I just felt I couldn’t hit,” said Red Sox first baseman Mike Napoli, who hit .259 both before, and after the All-Star break, while adding a career-high in strikeouts. “Now that I have it though, it’s like I know when I swing, something special is going to happen.  I think if we didn’t have beards, we'd probably be a 70-75 win team.”

Napoli’s words were echoed by many players and executives throughout the Red Sox organization.  Fans have also flocked to Fenway Park with the highly original “Fear the Beard” signs while sporting fake beards that look like they could have been taken straight from unopened boxes in San Francisco with Brian Wilson no longer a member of the team.

“These beards just give us confidence,” said the gritty, scrappy, fearless, pugnacious Red Sox second baseman Dustin Pedroia. “I’m a short guy, but now that I have this beard, I just know I intimidate everyone on that field. I can’t believe that I didn’t think of this sooner!”

Pedroia declined to comment when shown pictures of himself sporting a beard in every other season he has played in the big leagues.

“This has been great!” Red Sox outfielder Jacoby Ellsbury told reporters after the team’s ALCS-clinching victory over the Detroit Tigers. “I was never able to grow a beard before, and I think that’s the reason the team always hated me.  Now that I can, I feel like I finally fit in.”

Ellsbury is a free agent at the end of the season and said that he plans to keep the beard no matter where his next destination is, calling it, “a great way to mask his personality."

"I'll shave it if the Yankees offer me $100 million dollars in a few weeks," added Ellsbury while winking at the camera.

Red Sox owner John Henry says he loves the beards and the amount of money the team is making off of selling fake beards at the team store.

"I think it's great for baseball and it's great for business," said Henry. "We are a blue-collar team in a blue-collar city, and this is what it's all about. We tried that 'big spender' mentality for a bit and it just wasn't for us. Now we are back to who we are."

The continued ability of the Red Sox to market themselves as blue-collar is mindboggling, considering the team's $174.1 million dollar payroll being third in all of baseball.

But not everyone on the Red Sox is sold on the beards.  Some players think that it’s goofy, and rely on good, old-fashioned baseball traditions to help the team win.

“Whatever works for them,” said designated hitter David Ortiz, while sporting his trademark chinstrap/wolverine beard. “For me, steroids are enough.  If they want beards, that’s their decision.”

Other Boston athletes were even feeling a little disrespected by the attention the Red Sox beards were receiving from the media.

“We had beards for the Playoffs like six months ago,” said Boston Bruins captain Zdeno Chara. “Why is this even news? If beards made that much of a difference, it would have helped us beat the Blackhawks. Whatever, I hope they lose.”  

Pirates "Shocked" to Learn that Playoffs Keep Going

After winning their first Playoff game since 1992, the Pittsburgh Pirates were reportedly “shocked” to learn that the MLB Postseason continues beyond the first round.

“I honestly thought that was it,” said Pirates skipper Clint Hurdle while scratching his unnaturally orange head. “I guess it’s been so long since we’ve been here, we don’t remember there being more than one round.”

Marlon Byrd told reporters he found out the Pirates had another game to play after noticing it on ESPN’s BottomLine while looking for highlights of his home run on SportsCenter.

“My first thought was, ‘maybe we could beat whoever those Pirates are,'” Byrd admitted. “But then my brother texted me and said and said 'good luck next series' and I started to realize that maybe we are those Pirates.”

The former-Met said that the team began its confusion when there was no trophy ceremony taking place.  Byrd confessed he was holding out for a possible MVP award after becoming the first Pirate and known PED-user to homer in a Playoff game since Barry Bonds in Game 6 of the 1992 NLCS.

Fans were actually excited to hear of more baseball in Pittsburgh this year.  With hockey season never a guarantee to happen and the Steelers becoming the first team in NFL history to be eliminated from Playoff contention after Week 1 of the season, management says it’s on the Pirates now to pass the time until Hunting Season overcomes the people of the Allegheny’s.

“We have the best fans in baseball,” said Pirates GM Neil Huntington before being handed a Forbes poll that ranked the Pirates as 28th most loyal fan base in the sport. “So maybe we didn’t win the World Series last night like we first thought, but now these fans can have another chance to watch their heroes compete in our pure and beautiful game."

Huntington added that he planned to make some calls to try to acquire some more talent to help put this team over the top, but was informed by a team scout that he is not allowed to do that in this stage of the season.

The idea that “Buctober” will continue for maybe even a few more weeks has even caught the eye of many former players from way back when.  Bobby Bonilla said he will use the money he continues to receive from the New York Mets to attend a game or two, while Barry Bonds planned to go to last night’s game, but was unable to fit his head through the gate at PNC Park.

Ownership is still confident that the fans will forgive the team for misinforming them of what was at stake. They said they would like to have famous Pittsburgh athletes come in and throw out the ceremonial "first pitch" for the upcoming games.

"Our plan is to have Sidney Crosby throw out the pitch for Game 3," said Pirates' owner Robert Nutting. "Right now we are just waiting on permission from Sidney's mother Trina.  We are hoping to have Ben Roethlisberger for Game 4, but he requested a guarantee that Todd Haley would not be allowed in the stadium.  He seemed fearful that the coordinator might try to call plays for the Pirates and doom the team."

As for the Pirates, they have all been informed that they need to be back and ready to go for Thursday’s game in St. Louis.  Justin Morneau, who had previously lost all four Playoff series in his career (helping his team go 1-12 in those games), said that the news is disappointing, but you can expect this team ready to compete.

“I really thought we had won it all,” said Morneau, while holding a lacrosse stick and chugging maple syrup (and presumably doing other Canadian things too). “I know the guys on this team, and I bet they are all just happy that we get to keep playing for extra money."

MLB Amends Rule: Gives Jim Johnson Win on Losing Team

In a rather surprising move, Major League Baseball made a change to a ruling and awarded Baltimore Orioles' reliever Jim Johnson with a win in last night’s Orioles vs. Yankees game, despite his team losing in the ninth inning.

“After much deliberation, we have decided that Jim Johnson deserves a win for the Yankees in last night’s effort,” said Executive Vice President of Baseball Operations Joe Torre. “The Yankees would not have won the game without the aid of Jim, and therefore we feel it is in the best interest of the sport to award him the victory.”

Johnson entered the game with a 5-5 tie in the top of the ninth inning. The Yankees had led the game 5-2 in the 8^th inning before David Robertson gave a similar effort to let the Orioles tie it up on a three-run home run by Oriole great, Danny Valencia.  After a leadoff single by newly-acquired slugger Brendan Ryan, Chris Stewart laid down a sacrifice bunt that Jim Johnson fielded and promptly threw to Orioles’ centerfielder Adam Jones.  Ryan would later score on a Johnson wild pitch that failed to go anywhere near home plate.

“There was no evidence to support that Jim Johnson was playing for the Baltimore Orioles in tonight’s game,” said MLB Commissioner Bud Selig.  “With that in mind, we decided that he certainly deserved a win in that game more than David Robertson.”

Players and coaches were very surprised by the ruling, mostly unaware that the commissioner’s office could even make such a decision.

“I had no idea that was possible,” said Yankees’ shortstop Derek Jeter, right after announcing that he had been trying to play this season despite being made out of glass.  “If that’s the case I would think Joba [Chamberlain] deserves a lot more wins as well.”

“I honestly have no clue what Jim was doing out there,” said O’s manager Buck Showalter. “There was actually a part of me that thought this guy must have David Robertson on his fantasy team and needed a win from him.  His entire performance was just a colossal fuck-up.”

As for Jim Johnson, the stat correction will change his record from 3-8 to 4-7 and he will likely be remembered as the first player to ever receive a win in a game his team lost.  Either way, the pitcher still seemed in high spirits after the game.

“My stats come first, I’ve always said that,” Johnson told reporters. “Obviously it would have been nice if the team bailed me out in the bottom of the inning.  I could probably get a hit off of Mariano Rivera at this point, the guy is literally a corpse with a hat on.”

Brad Lidge Signs One-Day Contract With Phillies; Traded to Cardinals

Earlier this week, former closer Brad Lidge announced he would sign a one-day contract to retire as a member of the Philadelphia Phillies. In a surprise move today, after signing the contract, the Phillies announced they have traded Brad Lidge to the St. Louis Cardinals in exchange for a new Coca-Cola Freestyle Machine.  

“The guys have been dying for one of these things and the Cardinals were really hesitant about giving it up,” said Phillies general manager Ruben Amaro Jr. “Sure, I doubt it’s what Brad [Lidge] was hoping for, but 11 blown saves in a season wasn’t exactly something we were hoping for either.”

“This thing has everything,” said Phillies pitcher Cole Hamels. “I honestly have no idea how it works, but I was late for warm-ups the other day just trying out all of the different options!”

The Cardinals are also very excited about the move. “Sure we’ll miss the machine, but we have a great ceremony planned for Lidge’s retirement,” said team owner William DeWitt Jr. “We plan on honoring Brad with a statue right in front of Busch Stadium.”

According to DeWitt the statue will be of a collapsed man on a pitcher’s mound, commemorating the home run given up by Lidge to Albert Pujols in Game 5 of the 2005 NLCS that has still not landed. Lidge went on to blow 15 saves in his next two seasons with the Astros.

Lidge and Pujols watch the first baseball in history to leave the atmosphere

“We don’t care much for his pitching ability,” DeWitt went on to say, “But to be able to memorialize perhaps the most ignominious moment in Brad’s life, is a real honor.”


Lidge was reportedly in disbelief to hear of the news he had been traded. According to teammates who played with Lidge, they were equally surprised to find out he wanted to retire a Philly in the first place.

“The guy pretty much got booed out of town,” said Phillies shortstop Jimmy Rollins before realizing that there is nothing uncommon about that for Philadelphia athletes. “He had an 11-year career and only spent four of those seasons in Philadelphia, why did he want to retire a Philly anyway? I’m cool with it though, it basically got us unlimited Coca-Cola.”

Phillies first baseman Ryan Howard agreed saying that Lidge's time in Philly was short, but it should have been even shorter. "I really wish he only pitched here in 2008," said Howard while getting treatment on every part of his surgically repaired body. "Fans used to call the guy 'Lights Out Lidge,' but by the time he was leaving, we used to call him, 'Lights On Lidge.'"

Players signing one-day contracts has become a real trend of late. Last week, Hideki Matsui signed one with the New York Yankees to remind fans of his mediocre career with the club.  Despite looking twice his age, Matsui is surprisingly only two weeks older than Yankee shortstop Derek Jeter and can somehow still not speak English. Detroit Tigers’ pitcher Octavio Dotel says he plans to hold a “Bachelor Style” retirement ceremony at the end of the season, where he can choose which of his 13 teams he will retire with.

Writers Confused When Harper Declares Season a Success

Bryce Harper made it official today, declaring the 2013 Washington National’s season a success. Harper, in his second year, is hitting .273 with 15 HR and 35 RBI while primarily batting leadoff for the Nationals.

“We’re right on schedule,” a giddy Bryce Harper told reporters yesterday in the locker room after beating the hapless New York Mets.  “Team success is not something I ever focus on. As long as I am having a good season, I consider it a positive year.”

Harper’s comments come in the midst of an extremely disappointing season for the Nationals. Picked by many sports writers as a World Series favorite, the team is 52-54 and 8.5 games behind the Atlanta Braves in the National League East.

“I was honestly just surprised people thought this team could contend,” said Harper. “I mean, our cleanup hitter is Adam LaRoche. That alone should tell you this team isn’t contending for anything. Plus, if we get close to winning, our front office will probably just shut down our best pitchers.”

The sentiments expressed by Harper seem to go against everything we typically hear from professional athletes. To most, winning is everything and having a competitive instinct is what fuels a player to succeed.

“Sure, I’m extremely competitive,” admitted Harper. “I want a bigger contract than anyone else in the sport! I figure in a few years, I can probably cash in for a big pay day from the Yankees or Angels. I’m kind of like the Samsung Galaxy; the next big thing is already here.”

Nationals’ manager Davey Johnson was not thrilled by the comments of the young star, saying the team has plenty of youth and excitement to build around.

“Bryce is just frustrated by the team this season,” said Johnson. “But, he has been there to work with other young guys like Anthony Rendon and Danny Espinosa.”

To which Harper responded, “Fuck Anthony Rendon. Why would I care how he plays? What was he the sixth-overall draft pick? Cool bro.”

Harper even seemed dissapointed with the legnth of the baseball season, originally believing the season to conclude after the All-Star break.

"Isn't that how it works in the NFL?" said the outfielder. "I mean we just played the All-Star Game. It's over. Why are we still playing these makeup games? Did they have this many rainouts while I was gone? The season ended July 16. At least that's what I wrote down on my bulletin board in February."

 

As for the team, Harper recognizes the season has been a dissapointment and that this team can "probably" get back to the title-contenders that had been expected of them.

“Do you honestly think I give a fuck about the World Series?” Harper asked reporters. “I’m just still pissed I lost the Home Run Derby to that Cuban freak show. I would take a case full of Home Run Derby Trophy’s over those tiny World Series rings all day.  All I know for sure is that this season has been a success. The goal of the 2013 Washington Nationals was to make me an all-star, right?”  

The Not-So-Sabremetric Awards of the First Half

So you're the fantasy guy. The guru. The stat wizard. WHIP is better than ERA, and K/9 is the holy grail in determining your starting pitchers. Batting average? Pish-posh, we'll go with OPS and Runs Created.

If that description describes you, or more appropriately, if it doesn't, this is the MLB first-half awards list for you:

The Willie Mays Hayes Award: Norichika Aoki, MIL (OF)

Milwaukee's 31 year old Japanese outfielder won't find himself doing too many pushups right out of the box. Aoki quietly led the league over the first few months in Ground ball to fly ball ratio, with a 1.89. He's only slugging .370, with 19 RBIs? Who cares? This guy knows how to get it on the ground and leg it out. Besides, Ryan Braun has all the power covered for years to come, right? 

He also follows in Hayes' footsteps with his base-running capabilities. Unfortunately, while last year he was Wesley Snipes, this year he looks more like Omar Epps. A few short slides have caused him to be caught stealing 10 times already.

Aoki was also in the running for the Least Pronounceable Name Award, which of course went to Yasiel Puig. Seriously, is it Pweeg? Poo-ig? Poo-eeg? We have no clue. In any case, the hype will probably fade in a month and nobody will care.

The Don't Rule Out A Comeback Player of the Year Award: Jamie Moyer, FA (SP)

Jamie Moyer's rookie baseball card

Oh yeah, we're serious. As serious as we get, anyway. In April, Moyer told Rotoworld that he "hasn't closed that door yet," referring to a comeback later this season. 

Moyer is almost 51 years old. You know who isn't 51 years old yet? Mark McGwire or Jose Canseco. Barack Obama is only 51. 

That said, Moyer had a 1.18 WHIP in 1998 with Seattle. So, we're ready to catch lightning in a bottle, right? That '98 season was already Moyer's 12th season in the league, so we already know how he performs as a veteran. 

Plus, intangibles, right? right?

The Slowly Passing the Torch Award: Barry Zito, SF (SP)

(formerly known as the Little League in the MLB Award, and previously, the Johnny Damon Arm Strength Award)

Here you go. Looks pretty normal right? Zito got shelled, San Diego sports its dominant offense, business as usual.

But, you have to go back to the tape to fully appreciate the brevity of this duel. 

Neither starter threw a pitch over 89 MPH in this game. Both pitchers uncorked curveballs that crossed the plate at just 63 MPH. If we were watching two second-tier high schoolers go at it on the mound, this one would have been great.

Instead, we have to appreciate this for what it is: the end of an era. Zito is no longer the king of the eephus, the top dog with bottom-tier stuff, the biggest noodle arm in the dish. It's official, Eric Stults has taken over. And really, who better than a Padre?

Oh, and Zito is making $38 million guaranteed over the next two seasons. But hey, a guy's gotta eat, right?

The Golden Glove, Giant Tub Award: Prince Fielder, DET (1B)

Fielder puts in the grueling offseason work to take home the hardware

This one is a perennial lock. Since Jim Thome left the league, and Mo Vaughn before him, this award has been Fielder's to lose. Here's the equation for the GGGT Award:

Fielding percentage / player's weight

For Fielder, the league's leader, it shakes out to an incredible .0036, good for 2nd all time to Mo Vaughn's Mets years, when he, like Fielder, checked in over 275 lbs, but couldn't field a lick. 

The good news for Tigers fans? The big fella legged out a legit triple in the All-Star Game on Tuesday! Of course, by legit, we mean a benefit of the awful scoring system used in the MLB, where if a player dives, and misses, it's still not an error. Nonetheless, count it! Besides, that might be the most calories he's burned all year.

Never change Prince. Miggy might be on your heels in the near future, but if someone else wins this award during your time in the league, your hall of fame chances are going straight out the window. 

The "I don't get Harper's hype, but at least I can drink" Award: Manny Machado, BAL, (3B)

Ever wonder what All-Stars eat when they're wasted?

Our biggest battle of the award season, Machado narrowly edged out Mike Trout to take home the Silver Goblet. Looking back to last season, Trout was expected to dominate the voting in 2013. However, since Machado has to deal with being an Oriole, and living in Baltimore, the beers just mean more to him. 

"I'm happy for him," Trout said. "I really am. I get to go out every night, hit the clubs, chill on the beach, what does he have? He told me him and Chris Davis usually end up just hanging out in his mom's basement after games pounding PBRs. Just give the kid the award, he needs something."

We tried to get a comment from Baltimore's budding star after the All-Star Game, but the interview was abbreviated. "'ts good. Love it. Beers, baseball, you know," Machado said, before throwing back a bottle of Stoli and stumbling his way to the clubhouse bathroom. 

Bryce Harper could not be reached for comment, but was under heavy surveillance from the Nationals after losing the Home Run Derby.  

Pirates Set Collapse Date for Labor Day

For a third straight season, the Pittsburgh Pirates continue to roll heading into the All-Star Break. At 51-30, they have the best record in baseball, and are currently sporting a nine-game winning streak.  Success before August has been no stranger to this team of late, but they’ve been responsible for incredible second-half collapses in each of the past two seasons. This morning, the team announced their 2013 collapse will begin on Monday, September 2.

“We are really excited about the way our team is playing,” said Pirates skipper Clint Hurdle. “We’re expecting a record-setting collapse this season that could very well be even more impressive than the previous two.”

In 2011, the Pirates were 47-43 at baseball’s intermission. Many point to a 19th inning loss to the Atlanta Braves, on a blown call by umpire Jerry Meals, as the catalyst for the collapse. The Pirates were 53-47 heading into that game and were an astonishing 19-43 to finish the season.

“It was horrendous call,” said outfielder Andrew McCutchen. “We were like, ‘what’s the point in trying if the umpires are going to make calls like that?’ So, for the rest of the season, we didn’t.”

The Pirates had a chance to make up for their woes the next season, turning heads yet again with a 60-44 record on August 1. Once again, the Buckos impressed us all by going 19-39 the rest of the way.

“A lot of it had to do with player personnel,” said Pirates general manager Neil Huntington. “Our fans haven’t seen their team have a winning record since 1992, so we figured we could acquire some legitimately mediocre talent at the deadline to make them think we were actually doing something.”

Acquiring mediocrity is just what the Pirates did. In 2011, the team traded for over-the-hill veteran Derrek Lee from the Baltimore Orioles. The next season, the Pirates went out and got longtime disappointment Travis Snider from the Toronto Blue Jays. Clutch finds.

“We just figured our fans don’t really know a lot about baseball,” said Hurdle. “This is a football and hockey town, so if they just see us making trades for people, we can troll them into believing that we are making an effort.”

This season, the team plans to get their fans hopes up for even later into the season before unraveling at the seams. 

“Two years ago, we fell apart in July, and last year we waited until August,” said Pirates second baseman Neil Walker. “This year, it’s September or bust! As far as collapses go, we want to put history to shame and show the world how to Pittsburgh does it!”

The team would not comment on their exact plans for this year’s undoing, but said it will be one for the ages.

“I really hope we don’t win a game this September,” said principal owner Robert Nutting. “Nobody has ever lost every game in a month before, and in Pittsburgh, we’re all about the record books.”

The first-half warriors open up a series with the Philadelphia Phillies at home tomorrow night as they look to improve on their MLB-best record. PNC Park is known around the league as one of the best stadiums in baseball, and the team urges fans to come out and be apart of history this season.