Pirates "Shocked" to Learn that Playoffs Keep Going

After winning their first Playoff game since 1992, the Pittsburgh Pirates were reportedly “shocked” to learn that the MLB Postseason continues beyond the first round.

“I honestly thought that was it,” said Pirates skipper Clint Hurdle while scratching his unnaturally orange head. “I guess it’s been so long since we’ve been here, we don’t remember there being more than one round.”

Marlon Byrd told reporters he found out the Pirates had another game to play after noticing it on ESPN’s BottomLine while looking for highlights of his home run on SportsCenter.

“My first thought was, ‘maybe we could beat whoever those Pirates are,'” Byrd admitted. “But then my brother texted me and said and said 'good luck next series' and I started to realize that maybe we are those Pirates.”

The former-Met said that the team began its confusion when there was no trophy ceremony taking place.  Byrd confessed he was holding out for a possible MVP award after becoming the first Pirate and known PED-user to homer in a Playoff game since Barry Bonds in Game 6 of the 1992 NLCS.

Fans were actually excited to hear of more baseball in Pittsburgh this year.  With hockey season never a guarantee to happen and the Steelers becoming the first team in NFL history to be eliminated from Playoff contention after Week 1 of the season, management says it’s on the Pirates now to pass the time until Hunting Season overcomes the people of the Allegheny’s.

“We have the best fans in baseball,” said Pirates GM Neil Huntington before being handed a Forbes poll that ranked the Pirates as 28th most loyal fan base in the sport. “So maybe we didn’t win the World Series last night like we first thought, but now these fans can have another chance to watch their heroes compete in our pure and beautiful game."

Huntington added that he planned to make some calls to try to acquire some more talent to help put this team over the top, but was informed by a team scout that he is not allowed to do that in this stage of the season.

The idea that “Buctober” will continue for maybe even a few more weeks has even caught the eye of many former players from way back when.  Bobby Bonilla said he will use the money he continues to receive from the New York Mets to attend a game or two, while Barry Bonds planned to go to last night’s game, but was unable to fit his head through the gate at PNC Park.

Ownership is still confident that the fans will forgive the team for misinforming them of what was at stake. They said they would like to have famous Pittsburgh athletes come in and throw out the ceremonial "first pitch" for the upcoming games.

"Our plan is to have Sidney Crosby throw out the pitch for Game 3," said Pirates' owner Robert Nutting. "Right now we are just waiting on permission from Sidney's mother Trina.  We are hoping to have Ben Roethlisberger for Game 4, but he requested a guarantee that Todd Haley would not be allowed in the stadium.  He seemed fearful that the coordinator might try to call plays for the Pirates and doom the team."

As for the Pirates, they have all been informed that they need to be back and ready to go for Thursday’s game in St. Louis.  Justin Morneau, who had previously lost all four Playoff series in his career (helping his team go 1-12 in those games), said that the news is disappointing, but you can expect this team ready to compete.

“I really thought we had won it all,” said Morneau, while holding a lacrosse stick and chugging maple syrup (and presumably doing other Canadian things too). “I know the guys on this team, and I bet they are all just happy that we get to keep playing for extra money."

Pirates Set Collapse Date for Labor Day

For a third straight season, the Pittsburgh Pirates continue to roll heading into the All-Star Break. At 51-30, they have the best record in baseball, and are currently sporting a nine-game winning streak.  Success before August has been no stranger to this team of late, but they’ve been responsible for incredible second-half collapses in each of the past two seasons. This morning, the team announced their 2013 collapse will begin on Monday, September 2.

“We are really excited about the way our team is playing,” said Pirates skipper Clint Hurdle. “We’re expecting a record-setting collapse this season that could very well be even more impressive than the previous two.”

In 2011, the Pirates were 47-43 at baseball’s intermission. Many point to a 19th inning loss to the Atlanta Braves, on a blown call by umpire Jerry Meals, as the catalyst for the collapse. The Pirates were 53-47 heading into that game and were an astonishing 19-43 to finish the season.

“It was horrendous call,” said outfielder Andrew McCutchen. “We were like, ‘what’s the point in trying if the umpires are going to make calls like that?’ So, for the rest of the season, we didn’t.”

The Pirates had a chance to make up for their woes the next season, turning heads yet again with a 60-44 record on August 1. Once again, the Buckos impressed us all by going 19-39 the rest of the way.

“A lot of it had to do with player personnel,” said Pirates general manager Neil Huntington. “Our fans haven’t seen their team have a winning record since 1992, so we figured we could acquire some legitimately mediocre talent at the deadline to make them think we were actually doing something.”

Acquiring mediocrity is just what the Pirates did. In 2011, the team traded for over-the-hill veteran Derrek Lee from the Baltimore Orioles. The next season, the Pirates went out and got longtime disappointment Travis Snider from the Toronto Blue Jays. Clutch finds.

“We just figured our fans don’t really know a lot about baseball,” said Hurdle. “This is a football and hockey town, so if they just see us making trades for people, we can troll them into believing that we are making an effort.”

This season, the team plans to get their fans hopes up for even later into the season before unraveling at the seams. 

“Two years ago, we fell apart in July, and last year we waited until August,” said Pirates second baseman Neil Walker. “This year, it’s September or bust! As far as collapses go, we want to put history to shame and show the world how to Pittsburgh does it!”

The team would not comment on their exact plans for this year’s undoing, but said it will be one for the ages.

“I really hope we don’t win a game this September,” said principal owner Robert Nutting. “Nobody has ever lost every game in a month before, and in Pittsburgh, we’re all about the record books.”

The first-half warriors open up a series with the Philadelphia Phillies at home tomorrow night as they look to improve on their MLB-best record. PNC Park is known around the league as one of the best stadiums in baseball, and the team urges fans to come out and be apart of history this season.