Pirates "Shocked" to Learn that Playoffs Keep Going

After winning their first Playoff game since 1992, the Pittsburgh Pirates were reportedly “shocked” to learn that the MLB Postseason continues beyond the first round.

“I honestly thought that was it,” said Pirates skipper Clint Hurdle while scratching his unnaturally orange head. “I guess it’s been so long since we’ve been here, we don’t remember there being more than one round.”

Marlon Byrd told reporters he found out the Pirates had another game to play after noticing it on ESPN’s BottomLine while looking for highlights of his home run on SportsCenter.

“My first thought was, ‘maybe we could beat whoever those Pirates are,'” Byrd admitted. “But then my brother texted me and said and said 'good luck next series' and I started to realize that maybe we are those Pirates.”

The former-Met said that the team began its confusion when there was no trophy ceremony taking place.  Byrd confessed he was holding out for a possible MVP award after becoming the first Pirate and known PED-user to homer in a Playoff game since Barry Bonds in Game 6 of the 1992 NLCS.

Fans were actually excited to hear of more baseball in Pittsburgh this year.  With hockey season never a guarantee to happen and the Steelers becoming the first team in NFL history to be eliminated from Playoff contention after Week 1 of the season, management says it’s on the Pirates now to pass the time until Hunting Season overcomes the people of the Allegheny’s.

“We have the best fans in baseball,” said Pirates GM Neil Huntington before being handed a Forbes poll that ranked the Pirates as 28th most loyal fan base in the sport. “So maybe we didn’t win the World Series last night like we first thought, but now these fans can have another chance to watch their heroes compete in our pure and beautiful game."

Huntington added that he planned to make some calls to try to acquire some more talent to help put this team over the top, but was informed by a team scout that he is not allowed to do that in this stage of the season.

The idea that “Buctober” will continue for maybe even a few more weeks has even caught the eye of many former players from way back when.  Bobby Bonilla said he will use the money he continues to receive from the New York Mets to attend a game or two, while Barry Bonds planned to go to last night’s game, but was unable to fit his head through the gate at PNC Park.

Ownership is still confident that the fans will forgive the team for misinforming them of what was at stake. They said they would like to have famous Pittsburgh athletes come in and throw out the ceremonial "first pitch" for the upcoming games.

"Our plan is to have Sidney Crosby throw out the pitch for Game 3," said Pirates' owner Robert Nutting. "Right now we are just waiting on permission from Sidney's mother Trina.  We are hoping to have Ben Roethlisberger for Game 4, but he requested a guarantee that Todd Haley would not be allowed in the stadium.  He seemed fearful that the coordinator might try to call plays for the Pirates and doom the team."

As for the Pirates, they have all been informed that they need to be back and ready to go for Thursday’s game in St. Louis.  Justin Morneau, who had previously lost all four Playoff series in his career (helping his team go 1-12 in those games), said that the news is disappointing, but you can expect this team ready to compete.

“I really thought we had won it all,” said Morneau, while holding a lacrosse stick and chugging maple syrup (and presumably doing other Canadian things too). “I know the guys on this team, and I bet they are all just happy that we get to keep playing for extra money."

MLB Amends Rule: Gives Jim Johnson Win on Losing Team

In a rather surprising move, Major League Baseball made a change to a ruling and awarded Baltimore Orioles' reliever Jim Johnson with a win in last night’s Orioles vs. Yankees game, despite his team losing in the ninth inning.

“After much deliberation, we have decided that Jim Johnson deserves a win for the Yankees in last night’s effort,” said Executive Vice President of Baseball Operations Joe Torre. “The Yankees would not have won the game without the aid of Jim, and therefore we feel it is in the best interest of the sport to award him the victory.”

Johnson entered the game with a 5-5 tie in the top of the ninth inning. The Yankees had led the game 5-2 in the 8^th inning before David Robertson gave a similar effort to let the Orioles tie it up on a three-run home run by Oriole great, Danny Valencia.  After a leadoff single by newly-acquired slugger Brendan Ryan, Chris Stewart laid down a sacrifice bunt that Jim Johnson fielded and promptly threw to Orioles’ centerfielder Adam Jones.  Ryan would later score on a Johnson wild pitch that failed to go anywhere near home plate.

“There was no evidence to support that Jim Johnson was playing for the Baltimore Orioles in tonight’s game,” said MLB Commissioner Bud Selig.  “With that in mind, we decided that he certainly deserved a win in that game more than David Robertson.”

Players and coaches were very surprised by the ruling, mostly unaware that the commissioner’s office could even make such a decision.

“I had no idea that was possible,” said Yankees’ shortstop Derek Jeter, right after announcing that he had been trying to play this season despite being made out of glass.  “If that’s the case I would think Joba [Chamberlain] deserves a lot more wins as well.”

“I honestly have no clue what Jim was doing out there,” said O’s manager Buck Showalter. “There was actually a part of me that thought this guy must have David Robertson on his fantasy team and needed a win from him.  His entire performance was just a colossal fuck-up.”

As for Jim Johnson, the stat correction will change his record from 3-8 to 4-7 and he will likely be remembered as the first player to ever receive a win in a game his team lost.  Either way, the pitcher still seemed in high spirits after the game.

“My stats come first, I’ve always said that,” Johnson told reporters. “Obviously it would have been nice if the team bailed me out in the bottom of the inning.  I could probably get a hit off of Mariano Rivera at this point, the guy is literally a corpse with a hat on.”