The Not-So-Sabremetric Awards of the First Half

So you're the fantasy guy. The guru. The stat wizard. WHIP is better than ERA, and K/9 is the holy grail in determining your starting pitchers. Batting average? Pish-posh, we'll go with OPS and Runs Created.

If that description describes you, or more appropriately, if it doesn't, this is the MLB first-half awards list for you:

The Willie Mays Hayes Award: Norichika Aoki, MIL (OF)

Milwaukee's 31 year old Japanese outfielder won't find himself doing too many pushups right out of the box. Aoki quietly led the league over the first few months in Ground ball to fly ball ratio, with a 1.89. He's only slugging .370, with 19 RBIs? Who cares? This guy knows how to get it on the ground and leg it out. Besides, Ryan Braun has all the power covered for years to come, right? 

He also follows in Hayes' footsteps with his base-running capabilities. Unfortunately, while last year he was Wesley Snipes, this year he looks more like Omar Epps. A few short slides have caused him to be caught stealing 10 times already.

Aoki was also in the running for the Least Pronounceable Name Award, which of course went to Yasiel Puig. Seriously, is it Pweeg? Poo-ig? Poo-eeg? We have no clue. In any case, the hype will probably fade in a month and nobody will care.

The Don't Rule Out A Comeback Player of the Year Award: Jamie Moyer, FA (SP)

Jamie Moyer's rookie baseball card

Oh yeah, we're serious. As serious as we get, anyway. In April, Moyer told Rotoworld that he "hasn't closed that door yet," referring to a comeback later this season. 

Moyer is almost 51 years old. You know who isn't 51 years old yet? Mark McGwire or Jose Canseco. Barack Obama is only 51. 

That said, Moyer had a 1.18 WHIP in 1998 with Seattle. So, we're ready to catch lightning in a bottle, right? That '98 season was already Moyer's 12th season in the league, so we already know how he performs as a veteran. 

Plus, intangibles, right? right?

The Slowly Passing the Torch Award: Barry Zito, SF (SP)

(formerly known as the Little League in the MLB Award, and previously, the Johnny Damon Arm Strength Award)

Here you go. Looks pretty normal right? Zito got shelled, San Diego sports its dominant offense, business as usual.

But, you have to go back to the tape to fully appreciate the brevity of this duel. 

Neither starter threw a pitch over 89 MPH in this game. Both pitchers uncorked curveballs that crossed the plate at just 63 MPH. If we were watching two second-tier high schoolers go at it on the mound, this one would have been great.

Instead, we have to appreciate this for what it is: the end of an era. Zito is no longer the king of the eephus, the top dog with bottom-tier stuff, the biggest noodle arm in the dish. It's official, Eric Stults has taken over. And really, who better than a Padre?

Oh, and Zito is making $38 million guaranteed over the next two seasons. But hey, a guy's gotta eat, right?

The Golden Glove, Giant Tub Award: Prince Fielder, DET (1B)

Fielder puts in the grueling offseason work to take home the hardware

This one is a perennial lock. Since Jim Thome left the league, and Mo Vaughn before him, this award has been Fielder's to lose. Here's the equation for the GGGT Award:

Fielding percentage / player's weight

For Fielder, the league's leader, it shakes out to an incredible .0036, good for 2nd all time to Mo Vaughn's Mets years, when he, like Fielder, checked in over 275 lbs, but couldn't field a lick. 

The good news for Tigers fans? The big fella legged out a legit triple in the All-Star Game on Tuesday! Of course, by legit, we mean a benefit of the awful scoring system used in the MLB, where if a player dives, and misses, it's still not an error. Nonetheless, count it! Besides, that might be the most calories he's burned all year.

Never change Prince. Miggy might be on your heels in the near future, but if someone else wins this award during your time in the league, your hall of fame chances are going straight out the window. 

The "I don't get Harper's hype, but at least I can drink" Award: Manny Machado, BAL, (3B)

Ever wonder what All-Stars eat when they're wasted?

Our biggest battle of the award season, Machado narrowly edged out Mike Trout to take home the Silver Goblet. Looking back to last season, Trout was expected to dominate the voting in 2013. However, since Machado has to deal with being an Oriole, and living in Baltimore, the beers just mean more to him. 

"I'm happy for him," Trout said. "I really am. I get to go out every night, hit the clubs, chill on the beach, what does he have? He told me him and Chris Davis usually end up just hanging out in his mom's basement after games pounding PBRs. Just give the kid the award, he needs something."

We tried to get a comment from Baltimore's budding star after the All-Star Game, but the interview was abbreviated. "'ts good. Love it. Beers, baseball, you know," Machado said, before throwing back a bottle of Stoli and stumbling his way to the clubhouse bathroom. 

Bryce Harper could not be reached for comment, but was under heavy surveillance from the Nationals after losing the Home Run Derby.