Brad Lidge Signs One-Day Contract With Phillies; Traded to Cardinals

Earlier this week, former closer Brad Lidge announced he would sign a one-day contract to retire as a member of the Philadelphia Phillies. In a surprise move today, after signing the contract, the Phillies announced they have traded Brad Lidge to the St. Louis Cardinals in exchange for a new Coca-Cola Freestyle Machine.  

“The guys have been dying for one of these things and the Cardinals were really hesitant about giving it up,” said Phillies general manager Ruben Amaro Jr. “Sure, I doubt it’s what Brad [Lidge] was hoping for, but 11 blown saves in a season wasn’t exactly something we were hoping for either.”

“This thing has everything,” said Phillies pitcher Cole Hamels. “I honestly have no idea how it works, but I was late for warm-ups the other day just trying out all of the different options!”

The Cardinals are also very excited about the move. “Sure we’ll miss the machine, but we have a great ceremony planned for Lidge’s retirement,” said team owner William DeWitt Jr. “We plan on honoring Brad with a statue right in front of Busch Stadium.”

According to DeWitt the statue will be of a collapsed man on a pitcher’s mound, commemorating the home run given up by Lidge to Albert Pujols in Game 5 of the 2005 NLCS that has still not landed. Lidge went on to blow 15 saves in his next two seasons with the Astros.

Lidge and Pujols watch the first baseball in history to leave the atmosphere

“We don’t care much for his pitching ability,” DeWitt went on to say, “But to be able to memorialize perhaps the most ignominious moment in Brad’s life, is a real honor.”


Lidge was reportedly in disbelief to hear of the news he had been traded. According to teammates who played with Lidge, they were equally surprised to find out he wanted to retire a Philly in the first place.

“The guy pretty much got booed out of town,” said Phillies shortstop Jimmy Rollins before realizing that there is nothing uncommon about that for Philadelphia athletes. “He had an 11-year career and only spent four of those seasons in Philadelphia, why did he want to retire a Philly anyway? I’m cool with it though, it basically got us unlimited Coca-Cola.”

Phillies first baseman Ryan Howard agreed saying that Lidge's time in Philly was short, but it should have been even shorter. "I really wish he only pitched here in 2008," said Howard while getting treatment on every part of his surgically repaired body. "Fans used to call the guy 'Lights Out Lidge,' but by the time he was leaving, we used to call him, 'Lights On Lidge.'"

Players signing one-day contracts has become a real trend of late. Last week, Hideki Matsui signed one with the New York Yankees to remind fans of his mediocre career with the club.  Despite looking twice his age, Matsui is surprisingly only two weeks older than Yankee shortstop Derek Jeter and can somehow still not speak English. Detroit Tigers’ pitcher Octavio Dotel says he plans to hold a “Bachelor Style” retirement ceremony at the end of the season, where he can choose which of his 13 teams he will retire with.