Red Sox Credit Beards with Their Success This Season

The Boston Red Sox finished last season with a 69-93 record; good enough for last in the AL East.  A lot has changed since last then.  The Sox went out and added a slew of mediocre talent in players like Mike Napoli, Shane Victorino, Jonny Gomes and Stephen Drew.  But it’s something else that has this team just four wins away from their third World Series win in 95 years. It’s the beards!

“Before I had my beard I just felt I couldn’t hit,” said Red Sox first baseman Mike Napoli, who hit .259 both before, and after the All-Star break, while adding a career-high in strikeouts. “Now that I have it though, it’s like I know when I swing, something special is going to happen.  I think if we didn’t have beards, we'd probably be a 70-75 win team.”

Napoli’s words were echoed by many players and executives throughout the Red Sox organization.  Fans have also flocked to Fenway Park with the highly original “Fear the Beard” signs while sporting fake beards that look like they could have been taken straight from unopened boxes in San Francisco with Brian Wilson no longer a member of the team.

“These beards just give us confidence,” said the gritty, scrappy, fearless, pugnacious Red Sox second baseman Dustin Pedroia. “I’m a short guy, but now that I have this beard, I just know I intimidate everyone on that field. I can’t believe that I didn’t think of this sooner!”

Pedroia declined to comment when shown pictures of himself sporting a beard in every other season he has played in the big leagues.

“This has been great!” Red Sox outfielder Jacoby Ellsbury told reporters after the team’s ALCS-clinching victory over the Detroit Tigers. “I was never able to grow a beard before, and I think that’s the reason the team always hated me.  Now that I can, I feel like I finally fit in.”

Ellsbury is a free agent at the end of the season and said that he plans to keep the beard no matter where his next destination is, calling it, “a great way to mask his personality."

"I'll shave it if the Yankees offer me $100 million dollars in a few weeks," added Ellsbury while winking at the camera.

Red Sox owner John Henry says he loves the beards and the amount of money the team is making off of selling fake beards at the team store.

"I think it's great for baseball and it's great for business," said Henry. "We are a blue-collar team in a blue-collar city, and this is what it's all about. We tried that 'big spender' mentality for a bit and it just wasn't for us. Now we are back to who we are."

The continued ability of the Red Sox to market themselves as blue-collar is mindboggling, considering the team's $174.1 million dollar payroll being third in all of baseball.

But not everyone on the Red Sox is sold on the beards.  Some players think that it’s goofy, and rely on good, old-fashioned baseball traditions to help the team win.

“Whatever works for them,” said designated hitter David Ortiz, while sporting his trademark chinstrap/wolverine beard. “For me, steroids are enough.  If they want beards, that’s their decision.”

Other Boston athletes were even feeling a little disrespected by the attention the Red Sox beards were receiving from the media.

“We had beards for the Playoffs like six months ago,” said Boston Bruins captain Zdeno Chara. “Why is this even news? If beards made that much of a difference, it would have helped us beat the Blackhawks. Whatever, I hope they lose.”