Braun Strikes Back at Critics; Denies Denial

Since news of his suspension broke on Monday, Ryan Braun has dominated the national sports discussion.

In short, the 2011 National League Most Valuable Player has been suspended the remainder of the 2013 season, a period of 65 games, for violating the league’s policies on the use of performance enhancing drugs.

This move appears to be a direct result of an ongoing investigation into the Biogenesis clinic and its proprietor, Tony Bosch, and could be the first in a long line of similar disciplinary decisions handed down by Major League Baseball.

The suspension has generated no shortage of opinions, with several high profile athletes weighing in on the issue.

“I can’t believe this is a guy I trusted,” said legendary cyclist Lance Armstrong. “We were so close we used to get our blood work done together. Dude has some balls to try to pull something like that on the American public.”

Yankees third baseman Alex Rodriguez echoed Armstrong’s sentiments, saying “he is an embarrassment to all of us who try to do things the right way,” before adding, “Wait, he only got 65 games? I need to make a phone call.”

Not all of the responses have been so derisive however.

The brothers Pouncey, NFL stars and noted advocates of social justice, were seen sporting “Free Braun” t-shirts at a gun expo in North Attleboro, Mass., while University of Miami Athletic Director Blake James was quoted as saying, “Ryan remains a shining example of the character we instill in our student-athletes here at the University of Miami. In the realm of a Jewish man having a detrimental impact on the image of our department, this one wasn’t so bad.”

 
It has been reported that 50 games of the suspension have been attributed to the use of PEDs, while the remaining 15 stem from Braun’s actions following his first positive test in October 2011. 

In the wake of the announcement, much of the criticism from journalists and the public alike has focused not on Braun’s alleged drug use, but his vehement denial of those allegations following the dismissal of his initial positive test.

Not one to let his name be dragged through the mud, Braun blasted back at those critics through a statement on Tuesday night:

I could have never, ever envisioned being in this position where I would have to face such malice and slander as I have endured over the last 24 hours from those claiming I would ever be so bold to deny my use of performance enhancing drugs. The last day or so has been difficult but I view this as an opportunity just as I have every other challenge in my life – an opportunity to continue my cycle. 
 

I have absolutely no respect for the game of baseball and have always, and will always put what is in my best interest ahead of what is best for the game. By no means am I perfect, but if I ever intentionally or unintentionally painted the use of PEDs in a negative light or tried to disassociate myself from the amazing benefits, I would be the first to admit it. I can't get into all the details, but I truly believe in my heart that this so called denial that has caused such an uproar never occurred. 
 

I also believe that everything in life happens for a reason and we’re able to handle everything that’s thrown at us; except a 95-MPH fastball which is why I started juicing in the first place. It’s just plushdamentals baby.

To the wildly ungrateful Brewers organization, you’re welcome for hitting so many home runs, that a race between men dressed as packaged meat products became the second most interesting reason to come to the ballpark. To the people of the black hole they call the city of Milwaukee, you really have only yourselves to blame. Let’s be serious, if you’re genuinely emotionally invested in Brewers baseball you need to reevaluate some shit. Am I sorry about the $29.99 you spent on that Ryan Braun t-shirt jersey? Nope. And I’m not sorry your girlfriend will probably still want to wear it to bed every night.  

The words class, dignity, honor, integrity and professionalism have been thrown around a lot in this process but I don’t speak Russian. Let me put this in plain American for you -  I love PEDs, I would never claim otherwise, and you can bet your life that this substance has not entered my body for the final time.  

When presented with the overwhelming evidence that he did in fact deny using performance enhancers after his original suspension was overturned on a technicality, Braun recanted his statement, an act which prompted commendation from the Major League Baseball brass.

He has since also been named a Nobel laureate, received the NAACP Image Award and is the early frontrunner for TIME’s Man of the Century.  

The Not-So-Sabremetric Awards of the First Half

So you're the fantasy guy. The guru. The stat wizard. WHIP is better than ERA, and K/9 is the holy grail in determining your starting pitchers. Batting average? Pish-posh, we'll go with OPS and Runs Created.

If that description describes you, or more appropriately, if it doesn't, this is the MLB first-half awards list for you:

The Willie Mays Hayes Award: Norichika Aoki, MIL (OF)

Milwaukee's 31 year old Japanese outfielder won't find himself doing too many pushups right out of the box. Aoki quietly led the league over the first few months in Ground ball to fly ball ratio, with a 1.89. He's only slugging .370, with 19 RBIs? Who cares? This guy knows how to get it on the ground and leg it out. Besides, Ryan Braun has all the power covered for years to come, right? 

He also follows in Hayes' footsteps with his base-running capabilities. Unfortunately, while last year he was Wesley Snipes, this year he looks more like Omar Epps. A few short slides have caused him to be caught stealing 10 times already.

Aoki was also in the running for the Least Pronounceable Name Award, which of course went to Yasiel Puig. Seriously, is it Pweeg? Poo-ig? Poo-eeg? We have no clue. In any case, the hype will probably fade in a month and nobody will care.

The Don't Rule Out A Comeback Player of the Year Award: Jamie Moyer, FA (SP)

Jamie Moyer's rookie baseball card

Oh yeah, we're serious. As serious as we get, anyway. In April, Moyer told Rotoworld that he "hasn't closed that door yet," referring to a comeback later this season. 

Moyer is almost 51 years old. You know who isn't 51 years old yet? Mark McGwire or Jose Canseco. Barack Obama is only 51. 

That said, Moyer had a 1.18 WHIP in 1998 with Seattle. So, we're ready to catch lightning in a bottle, right? That '98 season was already Moyer's 12th season in the league, so we already know how he performs as a veteran. 

Plus, intangibles, right? right?

The Slowly Passing the Torch Award: Barry Zito, SF (SP)

(formerly known as the Little League in the MLB Award, and previously, the Johnny Damon Arm Strength Award)

Here you go. Looks pretty normal right? Zito got shelled, San Diego sports its dominant offense, business as usual.

But, you have to go back to the tape to fully appreciate the brevity of this duel. 

Neither starter threw a pitch over 89 MPH in this game. Both pitchers uncorked curveballs that crossed the plate at just 63 MPH. If we were watching two second-tier high schoolers go at it on the mound, this one would have been great.

Instead, we have to appreciate this for what it is: the end of an era. Zito is no longer the king of the eephus, the top dog with bottom-tier stuff, the biggest noodle arm in the dish. It's official, Eric Stults has taken over. And really, who better than a Padre?

Oh, and Zito is making $38 million guaranteed over the next two seasons. But hey, a guy's gotta eat, right?

The Golden Glove, Giant Tub Award: Prince Fielder, DET (1B)

Fielder puts in the grueling offseason work to take home the hardware

This one is a perennial lock. Since Jim Thome left the league, and Mo Vaughn before him, this award has been Fielder's to lose. Here's the equation for the GGGT Award:

Fielding percentage / player's weight

For Fielder, the league's leader, it shakes out to an incredible .0036, good for 2nd all time to Mo Vaughn's Mets years, when he, like Fielder, checked in over 275 lbs, but couldn't field a lick. 

The good news for Tigers fans? The big fella legged out a legit triple in the All-Star Game on Tuesday! Of course, by legit, we mean a benefit of the awful scoring system used in the MLB, where if a player dives, and misses, it's still not an error. Nonetheless, count it! Besides, that might be the most calories he's burned all year.

Never change Prince. Miggy might be on your heels in the near future, but if someone else wins this award during your time in the league, your hall of fame chances are going straight out the window. 

The "I don't get Harper's hype, but at least I can drink" Award: Manny Machado, BAL, (3B)

Ever wonder what All-Stars eat when they're wasted?

Our biggest battle of the award season, Machado narrowly edged out Mike Trout to take home the Silver Goblet. Looking back to last season, Trout was expected to dominate the voting in 2013. However, since Machado has to deal with being an Oriole, and living in Baltimore, the beers just mean more to him. 

"I'm happy for him," Trout said. "I really am. I get to go out every night, hit the clubs, chill on the beach, what does he have? He told me him and Chris Davis usually end up just hanging out in his mom's basement after games pounding PBRs. Just give the kid the award, he needs something."

We tried to get a comment from Baltimore's budding star after the All-Star Game, but the interview was abbreviated. "'ts good. Love it. Beers, baseball, you know," Machado said, before throwing back a bottle of Stoli and stumbling his way to the clubhouse bathroom. 

Bryce Harper could not be reached for comment, but was under heavy surveillance from the Nationals after losing the Home Run Derby.  

Bucks Center Hospitalized After Alleged Assault by Actor Neeson

Don’t even try to look Eastern European around Liam Neeson.

One NBA veteran learned his lesson the hard way last night, as newly-inked Milwaukee Bucks big man, Zaza Pachulia, landed in a Milwaukee area hospital. Pachulia suffered multiple gunshot wounds, and a collapsed lung after having the misfortune of crossing paths with the 51-year-old action icon at the swanky Milwaukee gentleman’s club; Brats & Twats.

Pachulia, who hails from the nation of Georgia, was celebrating his freshly minted three-year, $15 million dollar deal with the Bucks. The signing reunites the 6-11 center with head coach Larry Drew who coached who coached Pachulia for the last three years in Atlanta.


According to reports, Neeson entered the club and joined Pachulia and his wife, Tina. As food was being served, the conversation took a dark turn when Neeson allegedly discharged a bullet into Tina’s left arm. Several eyewitness accounts recall the star of the Taken franchise screaming, “It’s just a flesh wound!” before commencing to brutalize the unsuspecting Pachulia.

Neeson is known to frequent the Badger State to prowl the expansive countryside for wolves to engage in hand-to-hand combat. He remained defiant in an interview shortly after being detained.

“I was simply doing my duty as a naturalized citizen of this great country,” said the native Northern Irishman with his trademark stoicism. “Atlanta is the place where the players play and when I saw this man make a habit of not playing, I knew he needed to be dealt with.”

“It came out of nowhere,” uttered Pachulia in garbled speech from his hospital bed. “He just kept calling me Marco, and telling me to give him back his daughter. I didn’t even know he had a daughter.”

When approached with Pachulia’s comments, Neeson seemed unconvinced, offering his retort:

"You think I haven’t heard that before? Look, I have a very particular set of skills that I have acquired over a long career and I was simply trying to put an end to the farce that this man has been perpetrating for the better part of the last decade. This is a man whose net worth simply does not match up with his complete lack of discernible skill and that fits him into the profile of an unsavory element which I have extensive experience disposing of."

While his sustainability in Hollywood is undeniable, it remains unclear how a career that includes turns in Les Miserables and the animated disaster Ponyo directly translates into overt prejudice and unprovoked acts of violence.

When asked to present a recent photo of his daughter and where he had last seen her, Neeson replied, “On television with that douche who chases aliens” and produced this picture:


At first glance, the above photo may appear to be a candid moment between a loving father and daughter. However, even the casual observer will eventually realize that the woman in this shot is actress Maggie Grace, who played Neeson’s hapless fictional daughter in both Taken films to date. When reached for comment, Grace did not mince words.

“This dude is a fucking menace,” she said to a crowd of reporters in France. “This is like the seventh time he’s done this shit. I hope that guy and his wife make it out okay.”

The Bucks franchise declined a request for an official comment, but general manager John Hammond is said to be inconsolable. An organizational source has stated that Hammond lauded Pachulia for his tenacity and versatility during internal free agent discussions. He coveted the 10-year veteran because he has a ‘sweet line on primo 14-year-old Ukranian girs.’

Maybe Neeson was justified. Pachulia does resemble a sort of nameless henchman and adds about as much on the court. Does that mean he deserved to be beaten within inches of his life? Milwaukee County District Attorney John T. Chisholm doesn’t think so.

“Any speculation on the victim’s involvement in illegal activity has been uncorroborated,” said Chisholm in a press conference on Friday morning. This was a deliberate and vicious attack," he added. "Mr. Neeson’s celebrity status will not be a factor in how we proceed in this case, and we plan to pursue the maximum penalty allowable by law.”

When prompted for a response to Chisholm’s stance Neeson offered a stern warning of his own…

“Good luck.”

Somewhere, Jan Vesely is on high alert.