MLB Amends Rule: Gives Jim Johnson Win on Losing Team

In a rather surprising move, Major League Baseball made a change to a ruling and awarded Baltimore Orioles' reliever Jim Johnson with a win in last night’s Orioles vs. Yankees game, despite his team losing in the ninth inning.

“After much deliberation, we have decided that Jim Johnson deserves a win for the Yankees in last night’s effort,” said Executive Vice President of Baseball Operations Joe Torre. “The Yankees would not have won the game without the aid of Jim, and therefore we feel it is in the best interest of the sport to award him the victory.”

Johnson entered the game with a 5-5 tie in the top of the ninth inning. The Yankees had led the game 5-2 in the 8^th inning before David Robertson gave a similar effort to let the Orioles tie it up on a three-run home run by Oriole great, Danny Valencia.  After a leadoff single by newly-acquired slugger Brendan Ryan, Chris Stewart laid down a sacrifice bunt that Jim Johnson fielded and promptly threw to Orioles’ centerfielder Adam Jones.  Ryan would later score on a Johnson wild pitch that failed to go anywhere near home plate.

“There was no evidence to support that Jim Johnson was playing for the Baltimore Orioles in tonight’s game,” said MLB Commissioner Bud Selig.  “With that in mind, we decided that he certainly deserved a win in that game more than David Robertson.”

Players and coaches were very surprised by the ruling, mostly unaware that the commissioner’s office could even make such a decision.

“I had no idea that was possible,” said Yankees’ shortstop Derek Jeter, right after announcing that he had been trying to play this season despite being made out of glass.  “If that’s the case I would think Joba [Chamberlain] deserves a lot more wins as well.”

“I honestly have no clue what Jim was doing out there,” said O’s manager Buck Showalter. “There was actually a part of me that thought this guy must have David Robertson on his fantasy team and needed a win from him.  His entire performance was just a colossal fuck-up.”

As for Jim Johnson, the stat correction will change his record from 3-8 to 4-7 and he will likely be remembered as the first player to ever receive a win in a game his team lost.  Either way, the pitcher still seemed in high spirits after the game.

“My stats come first, I’ve always said that,” Johnson told reporters. “Obviously it would have been nice if the team bailed me out in the bottom of the inning.  I could probably get a hit off of Mariano Rivera at this point, the guy is literally a corpse with a hat on.”

A-Rod Sent Doctor X-Ray of Wrong Quad

You can’t open the newspaper in New York these days without reading about something that Alex Rodriguez has done wrong. Whether it is striking out in the postseason, delaying his surgery for months, being excited about returning to action, or just being a terrible human being in general, the third-baseman’s name has been ubiquitous around the baseball universe.

Yesterday, Michael Gross, a steroid-doctor who examined the MRI of Alex Rodriguez’s injured quad, went on WFAN and ESPN Radio to publically state that he saw no evidence of an injury. However, it has since been brought to Gross’ attention that the MRI sent to him was of the wrong quad.

“I have never met Alex Rodriguez,” Gross said this morning. “I got into my office and saw a manila folder sitting on my desk. Inside, there was a large wad of cash and an x-ray with the word’s ‘A-Rod’s Right Left Quad’ written on the top.”

In short, after having surgery on his left hip this past January, Rodriguez began a rehab assignment in the beginning of July. In the final days of his rehab assignment, he felt pain in his left quad and after being examined by team doctors, they claimed that he had a Grade 1 strain that would sideline him for another two weeks.

“It was an accident really,” Rodriguez said. “Each time I go to the doctor, I have them x-ray every bone in my body. I have a 300 million dollar contract and have run out of ways to spend money, so this seemed like a good idea. I must have grabbed the wrong x-ray when I sent it to the doc.”

Rodriguez is on the verge of facing a serious suspension from Major League Baseball for his involvement with a biogenesis clinic in Miami. Many have thought that the Yankees have been trying to prevent A-Rod’s return in hopes of collecting insurance on the ridiculous contract that the team inexplicably offered him in the first place.

“When Alex is healthy, he will play,” Yankees general manager Brian Cashman told reporters yesterday. “I’m not sure if you have been watching our games, but Brett Lillibridge started at third base last night. He is currently hitting .081 on the season. I don’t care if [Rodriguez] is playing with one arm, he can’t be worse than that.”

When asked about the mishap with the doctor, Cashman said, “I already tried telling him to just keep his mouth shut and stop doing anything. Often times when I wake up in the morning, I think to myself, ‘How is Alex Rodriguez going to fuck my day up today?’”

Gross says he did not feel the need to accept any blame for the situation. “Did I find it a little unusual that all of the bones and tendons in the x-ray were backwards? Yes. But, the x-ray clearly stated it was from his left quad,” said Gross. “Alex is a true professional and an honest man, who am I to question him?”

As for the critics, they just want to see Rodriguez back on the field and are done with the excuses. "Dis guy aint foolin anyone," said WFAN host of Mike's On, Mike Francesa. "Da Yankees know moah than dis knucklehead. Enough already."