Pirates Set Collapse Date for Labor Day

For a third straight season, the Pittsburgh Pirates continue to roll heading into the All-Star Break. At 51-30, they have the best record in baseball, and are currently sporting a nine-game winning streak.  Success before August has been no stranger to this team of late, but they’ve been responsible for incredible second-half collapses in each of the past two seasons. This morning, the team announced their 2013 collapse will begin on Monday, September 2.

“We are really excited about the way our team is playing,” said Pirates skipper Clint Hurdle. “We’re expecting a record-setting collapse this season that could very well be even more impressive than the previous two.”

In 2011, the Pirates were 47-43 at baseball’s intermission. Many point to a 19th inning loss to the Atlanta Braves, on a blown call by umpire Jerry Meals, as the catalyst for the collapse. The Pirates were 53-47 heading into that game and were an astonishing 19-43 to finish the season.

“It was horrendous call,” said outfielder Andrew McCutchen. “We were like, ‘what’s the point in trying if the umpires are going to make calls like that?’ So, for the rest of the season, we didn’t.”

The Pirates had a chance to make up for their woes the next season, turning heads yet again with a 60-44 record on August 1. Once again, the Buckos impressed us all by going 19-39 the rest of the way.

“A lot of it had to do with player personnel,” said Pirates general manager Neil Huntington. “Our fans haven’t seen their team have a winning record since 1992, so we figured we could acquire some legitimately mediocre talent at the deadline to make them think we were actually doing something.”

Acquiring mediocrity is just what the Pirates did. In 2011, the team traded for over-the-hill veteran Derrek Lee from the Baltimore Orioles. The next season, the Pirates went out and got longtime disappointment Travis Snider from the Toronto Blue Jays. Clutch finds.

“We just figured our fans don’t really know a lot about baseball,” said Hurdle. “This is a football and hockey town, so if they just see us making trades for people, we can troll them into believing that we are making an effort.”

This season, the team plans to get their fans hopes up for even later into the season before unraveling at the seams. 

“Two years ago, we fell apart in July, and last year we waited until August,” said Pirates second baseman Neil Walker. “This year, it’s September or bust! As far as collapses go, we want to put history to shame and show the world how to Pittsburgh does it!”

The team would not comment on their exact plans for this year’s undoing, but said it will be one for the ages.

“I really hope we don’t win a game this September,” said principal owner Robert Nutting. “Nobody has ever lost every game in a month before, and in Pittsburgh, we’re all about the record books.”

The first-half warriors open up a series with the Philadelphia Phillies at home tomorrow night as they look to improve on their MLB-best record. PNC Park is known around the league as one of the best stadiums in baseball, and the team urges fans to come out and be apart of history this season.