Geno Smith Listed as Questionable for Sunday - Unsure of Kickoff Time

The well-respected New York Jets' franchise is uncertain of the status of its quarterback for Sunday’s game against the Denver Broncos.  Geno Smith, who missed a mandatory team meeting last Saturday in San Diego because he could not figure out the time change, seems to still be struggling to re-adjust to Eastern Standard Time, according to the team.

“Geno has had trouble re-acclimating to the time change back in New York,” head coach Rex Ryan said while wearing his Mark Sanchez Eagles’ jersey. “This idea that the entire world isn’t all at the same time has been an overwhelming realization for Geno.”

The quarterback has been disappointing since arriving in New York, after being drafted in the second round of the 2013 NFL Draft.  His struggles with turnovers have been well-documented, leading the Jets to bring in the only more turnover-prone quarterback in the NFL as his backup in Michael Vick.  It is assumed that Vick would start the game if Geno is unable to make it to the stadium on time.

“There’s a possibility I could be ready on Sunday,” Michael Vick told reporters today after saying he has missed practice all week for 'not really giving a shit.' “It’s hard to get excited about playing when looking at the other players on our offense,” Vick added.

According to team officials, Geno Smith missed the team meeting to go watch a movie in downtown San Diego.

"Coach said we needed to watch film on Saturday," Smith admitted. "That's the only reason I went to the movies.  I figured I was doing what the coaches wanted."

Smith did say that he hopes to play on Sunday, if he can get his watch figured out, but there is optimism for the team going into a tough matchup.

"What people aren’t realizing, is that a lot of the Bronco players might not know the time of the game either,” Smith said after excitedly declaring that Denver is in mountain time. “If their team doesn’t show up, we could maybe win.”

The Jets are 1-4.

Real Cowboys Demand the Dallas Cowboys Change Name

It has been a hot-button issue around the country for the past year or so.  Many have recently become offended by the name of the Washington Redskins because it is insulting to Native Americans.  Others have now taken notice, as real American Cowboys have now voiced their displeasure with the Dallas Cowboys’ name.

“It’s not right!” said famous gun-slinger “Curly Bill" Brocius.  “They are making a Cowboy look like a dang yellow belly. We are naturally clutch people.  We win gunfights and shootouts.  We demand a change!”

The story has been one to quickly gain traction with supporters.  Thousands who have never thought twice about the Cowboys’ name are now speaking out against it.

Artists' rendition of an actual cowboy

“I just can’t believe that they would consider using that name,” said global activist Phil Simms. “A ‘Cowboy’ is an outlaw and a hero all in one.  Going 8-8 every season and having Jason Garrett as your head coach couldn’t be further from representing that group of people.”

Simms said that he will not say the name “Cowboys” on CBS season this season out of respect for the “folks on the corral.”

Other American Cowboys have organized protests against America’s Team and the refusal for a name change. 

“I can’t believe that they would continue to just drag our name through the mud,” said “Texas John” Slaughter.  “I bet half of these guys can’t even ride horses! And Tony Romo? He is the kind of guy who would squat with his spurs on.  If that choke-artist was in a draw he’d probably drop the gun.”

Roger Goodell was firm on his stance that no team will be forced to change names.  He also downplayed the idea that this is all a power-play by cowboys to avoid being upstaged by Indians in gaining support by pop-culture.

"The Cowboy-Indian rivalry is one of the greatest in our country's history," said Goodell while sporting a new #FreeRayRice t-shirt. "We need to understand that football should always come first.  The idea that these die-hard fans should have to change the name of their favorite team because it offends people is not fair to those fans."

Cowboys Attempting to Set New Records in Defensive Futility

The 2013 Dallas Cowboys’ defense was a unit that set many team records. Unfortunately for them, most of those records came from having the worst ranked defense in the NFL. This year, the team plans to turn heads in an attempt to top their 32nd ranked defense and become even worse.

“We don’t want to set the bar too high,” said team owner, president, general manager and self-proclaimed American-hero Jerry Jones. “We think if we aim for the 32nd in total defense, we will put too much pressure on the players. If we aim for 33rd or 34th, finishing 32nd won’t seem so bad. Plus, it will not change the fact that we have the best scoreboard in the league. Maybe even the world."

Last season, the Cowboys allowed a league-worst 415.3 yards per game. They set franchise records in total yards allowed and passing yards allowed. In one game, they allowed 40 first downs by the New Orleans Saints’ offense, breaking a 25-year-old record. 

“I admit we did a few things wrong,” said 96-year-old defensive coordinator Monte Kiffin. “I take the blame for it. There were a few games I fell asleep in the booth and there was nobody calling defensive plays. It got very confusing for the players.”

So far this offseason, the Cowboys have responded to the criticism with some big-name moves. First, they cut their best defensive player and future Hall-of-Famer DeMarcus Ware. A couple of days later, they watched last season’s sack leader Jason Hatcher leave the team for the rival Washington Redskins. The decisons have led to a lot of questions by fans and the media wondering who will play on the defensive line next season.  

“The defensive line isn’t the only part of the defense,” said the most mediocre person in NFL history and head coach Jason Garrett. “We figure not having a defensive line will prevent teams from throwing deep for touchdowns so often. This way, teams will just run the ball into our non-existent line.”

The team is hoping that setting new records for futility on the defensive side of the ball will lead to high-scoring games and not give Tony Romo the opportunity to blow the game on his own.

“I’m really excited for the new system,” said famous choke-artist Tony Romo. “The worse the defense plays, the more I get to throw the ball.  Not to mention, the more we are losing, the less I can ruin things. It’s kind of win-win. For me, anyway.”

As for the coach, he believes his team is capable of putting together a fourth-straight 8-8 season if they continue to play Cowboys' football.

"Defense or no defense, we have what it takes to get back to .500 this coming season, Garrett said with excitement. "We come into every season with a goal to sell tickets and be very ordinary at football.  I don't see why this year should be any different."

Creating the Greatest (Mostly) Fictional Football Team of All-Time

A few months ago, we did our "Greatest Fictional Baseball Team of All-Time."  The following, is the "Greatest (Mostly) Fictional Football Team of All Time." Please enjoy...

QB – Shane “Footsteps” Falco (The Replacements)

For a long time, Shane Falco was remembered as the guy who choked in the 1996 Sugar Bowl against Ohio State. However, after leading the Washington Sentinels to a Playoff berth, Falco has certainly proven he is not only a leader, but has the heart to take any team to the next level.

RB – Julian Washington (Any Given Sunday)

Washington is a selfish player who really only cares about hitting the performance incentives on his contract. This could be a good thing, because you know you'll always get a great effort. It could also be a bad thing, because he's probably a terrible teammate.
 

FB – Don Billingsley (Friday Night Lights)

I always viewed Don Billinglsey as a stereotypical southern boy trying to live up to his father. Also, his father is Tim McGraw, which still seems strange to me.  Thanks to the dearth of movie fullbacks, we can chalk that up as a win for Don.

WR – Rod Tidwell (Jerry Maguire)

Show me the money! Rod Tidwell plays with no fear and his ability to go over the middle and stretch the defense will be vital to this team. As long as he gets paid, he shouldn’t be an issue in the locker room.

WR – Charlie Tweeder (Varsity Blues)

Charlie Tweeder is the original Wes Welker.  Think undersized white guy that is shifty and can move around in the slot to find open space.  If Tweeder didn’t hang up the cleats after high school, it’s reasonable to think he’d be a New England Patriot right now.

WR – Deacon Moss (The Longest Yard)

Think Michael Irvin, played by Michael Irvin.

WR – Rashid “Hot Hands” Hanon (The Little Giants)

Hanon struggled mightily at the beginning of the season, unable to catch the football, which is the most important attribute of a wide receiver.  However, pretending the football is toilet paper is actually the difference maker in his ability to catch the ball.  As long as the team is able to practice with some Charmin handy, he should be fine moving forward.

TE – Brian Murphy (The Replacements)

Murphy is a physical specimen that reminds me of a young Jason Witten.  His only downside (or perhaps on the road is an upside) is that he is deaf.  This shouldn’t be an issue, as he already has built up good rapport with starting quarterback Shane Falco.  Actually it could still be an issue, because he can’t hear.

OT – Louie Lastik (Remember the Titans)

Lastik deserves a spot at starting right tackle on almost any team.  He calls a mean audible, even if some players pretend not to hear it.  He is racially tolerant, which is very important in the NFL. He is a pretty good jokester, as seen throughout Remember the Titans.  Also, he’s eligible.

OG – Billy Bob/Reggie Ray (Varsity Blues/Not Another Teen Movie)

This is perhaps one of the great parodies in movie history.  The guy who plays the pretty useless and fat offensive lineman, makes fun of himself by playing virtually the same character in Not Another Teen Movie.  The only memorable roles that this actor has ever had, was a mentally low-functioning offensive lineman, and the even less intelligent cook in Good Burger.  

Fat one, pictured far right

C – Rudy Zolteck (Little Giants)

Speaking of the fat and useless stereotype, this one might be even worse because he’s a kid.  Zoltek likes food so much, that he actually puts a peanut butter and jelly sandwich inside of his helmet in case he gets hungry mid-play.  With that being said, after seeing him carry out a fantastic fumblerooski, I was convinced on his ability to play center.

OG – Jumbo Fumiko (The Replacements)

Sumo-wrestler turned offensive lineman? I’m sold.

OT – Big Mike (The Blind Side)

Michael Oher is a real person, and therefore probably shouldn't be considered on this list.  That being said, I believe very little of Big Mike’s character being similar to the real life Michael Oher and because of that, will choose him to protect the Blind Side.  Besides, going from protecting Flacco to Falco can’t be too complex.

DE – Julius Campbell (Remember the Titans)

Campbell is an inspirational leader as well a hell of a football player.  There is no question he is the captain of this defense.

DT – Ivory Christian (Friday Night Lights)

He is probably the coolest football player in any movie.  He says very little and shuts up anyone who gets in his way. 

DE – Steve Lattimer (The Program)

Steve Lattimer is probably one of the worst human beings on the planet. He is a lock to be suspended for his constant use of PED’s (not that the NFL cares about that) and has more domestic abuse red flags than Chris Brown. But this is football. So who cares?

LB – Gary Bertier (Remember the Titans)

For the record, this is Gary Bertier pre-accident that we are looking for.  He was an All-American linebacker and becomes a great teammate by the end of the season.

LB – Becky “IceBox” O’Shea (Little Giants)

The Ice Box is fearless on the football field and she is out to prove that a girl can play just as well as any boy on the field (even though that’s stupid).

LB – Bobby Boucher (The Waterboy)


The Waterboy can probably play and succeed at any position on this team. He has strength that has almost never been seen before and will thrive in the 3-4 system that this team will be running.  Look for big numbers, but also a good amount of fines and suspensions while trying to play in today’s NFL.

DE – Luther “Shark” Lavay (Any Given Sunday)

Lavay is the savvy veteran who also happens to be one of the best pass rushers of all time. He can play defensive line or outside linebacker and will prove to be a valuable commodity, despite really only caring about cocaine and getting paid.  

CB – Petey Jones (Remember the Titans)

THE running back actually wound up being a pretty lock-down cornerback after struggling to hold on to the football. He complains about calls more than you’d like to see, but show me a cornerback who doesn't. 

CB – Alan Bosley (Remember the Titans)

A young Ryan Gosling who might struggle with his ability to cover the deep ball as his stamina has often come into question. But, even if he struggles and gets benched, it will be fun to hear his dad complain about it to the coaches from the stands. 

S – Earl Wilkinson aka Ray Smith (The Replacements)

Smith is a criminal, playing football on work release.  He might take a lot of coaching on and off the field to truly tap all of his potential, but in a league where Adam “Pacman” Jones can still play, Smith should be no exception.

S – Brian Chavez (Friday Night Lights)

Chavez has a great mix of leadership and football IQ that you would want from your safety.  If you can play high school football in Texas, I’m not sure there would be any nerves playing in the NFL.

K – Ray Finkle (Ace Ventura: Pet Detective)

Finkle is a borderline psychopath who lost the Super Bowl for the Miami Dolphins. But the laces were out.  Life is all about second chances, and since becoming a woman and kidnapping Dan Marino didn’t work out, maybe another shot on the gridiron makes more sense.

P – Derek Wallace (The Waterboy)

I’m not actually sure that Wallace is also the punter for the Mud Dogs.  However, at no point of the movie do you see a punter or any other special team’s player with Farmer Fran.  Therefore, I can assume he is the punter.  For those of you keeping score at home, his addition to the roster will mean that Avon and D’Angelo Barksdale (The Wire) are both on this football team.

KR – Forrest Gump (Forrest Gump)

This is a no-brainer.  He’s fast, and he seems to score a lot of touchdowns in his time with the Alabama Crimson Tide.  He will also enjoy the unlimited Dr. Pepper’s in the team locker room.

Notable Bench Players –

QB – Ronnie “Sunshine” Bass (Remember the Titans)

He asserted himself as a tough guy when he stares down an All-American linebacker after flipping him over his back.  However, it doesn’t get a lot of talk how well he blocked down the field for Rev on that “Fake 23 blast, with a backside George reverse.” He was literally just laying out the competition.  

QB – Willie Beamen (Any Given Sunday)

Beamen is a prima dona who will not be satisfied for long as the backup of this team.  Any struggles by Falco and the fans could be clamoring for Beamen.  This situation could be volatile if not handled correctly.

RB – Spike (The Little Giants)

Spike don’t play with girls, which could be an issue on this team, but he is everything you want from a downhill runner and can lift a refrigerator with relative ease. I almost pegged Spike as the starter for this team, but let's be honest - a white running back?  Also, his fourth quarter ineffectiveness against a putrid Little Giants' defense does have to be concerning.

RB – James “Boobie” Miles (Friday Night Lights)

If it wasn’t for his injury concerns, he is one of the best overall talents on the roster.  Coming off of serious knee surgery, he will certainly be deserving of some carries when fully healthy.

RB - Brian "Smash" Williams (Friday Night Lights, TV Show)

Smash is pretty much the exact same character as Boobie Miles.  He even tears his ACL his senior season and loses his scholarship (way to get creative Peter Berg). But someone from this team deserves mention here and Matt Saracen isn't the answer and Jason Street is paralyzed from the waist down.  Come to think of it, Tim Riggins was more or less a cooler Don Billingsley. Actually J.D. McCoy could be considered, but he was such a dick.  Lucky for Smash, it takes place enough years later to where you can recover from an ACL injury.

WR – Air Bud (Air Bud: Golden Receiver)

I know what you're thinking - "Air Bud never proved a thing after junior high!" Well you can save your criticism, because this dog is a matchup nightmare for defenses. Golden Retrievers can run at full speed at 42 miles per hour. He could leave Devin Hester in the dust.

OT – Jamal Abdul Jackson and Andre “Action” Jackson (The Replacements)

Former bouncers that make for pretty decent offensive lineman.  These guys prove they will protect their QB on and off the field.

DE - Rudy (Rudy)

Rudy has no business being on this football team.  He is not a talented athlete, but he does have a big heart.  He will be on the practice squad, and if he’s lucky, he might dress in one game by the end of his career.

ST - Vince Papale (Invincible)

Sure, why not?

DT – Andre Krimm (Necessary Roughness)

It just wouldn’t be a team if you don’t have Sinbad somewhere on the roster. Krimm is a big physical specimen who will clog up the middle for this football team. 

LB – Danny Bateman (The Replacements)

Bateman is like a bull going after the quarterback.  While his struggles in coverage downfield will cost him a chance to start, he will be a great addition in blitz and goal line packages.

Coach –

Tony D’Amato (Any Given Sunday)

Responsible for one of the best speeches in movie history.  He’s got a few more years left while grooming one of his coordinators for the job.

Offensive Coordinator -

Herman Boone (Remember the Titans)

Boone runs the veer. It’s a simple, pistol-type offense that will be sure to pack some punch in today’s NFL.

Defensive Coordinator –

Bill Yoast (Remember the Titans)

Yoast was almost a Hall-of-Famer in whatever Hall of Fame Virginia high school coaches are eligible for.  He has a natural eye for seeing the ability in players and will be given plenty of talent to work with.

Quarterbacks Coach -

Eric Taylor (Friday Night Lights, TV show)

I have to admit, Eric Taylor is easily the most likable head coach in any show/movie and any sport.  However, he is not ready to be a head coach at this level (whatever level that may be). He was the QB coach at the well-respected TMU for almost half of a season.  His development work to turn 5'9 Matt Saracen into a Texas State-Champion QB was perhaps the best coaching of all-time.  Clears Eyes. Full Hearts. Can't Lose.

Special Teams Coordinator –

Farmer Fran (The Waterboy)

Fran might not look like much, but the guy knows how to coach. Ran a brilliant scheme to recover a crucial onside kick in the Bourbon Bowl.   

Red Sox Credit Beards with Their Success This Season

The Boston Red Sox finished last season with a 69-93 record; good enough for last in the AL East.  A lot has changed since last then.  The Sox went out and added a slew of mediocre talent in players like Mike Napoli, Shane Victorino, Jonny Gomes and Stephen Drew.  But it’s something else that has this team just four wins away from their third World Series win in 95 years. It’s the beards!

“Before I had my beard I just felt I couldn’t hit,” said Red Sox first baseman Mike Napoli, who hit .259 both before, and after the All-Star break, while adding a career-high in strikeouts. “Now that I have it though, it’s like I know when I swing, something special is going to happen.  I think if we didn’t have beards, we'd probably be a 70-75 win team.”

Napoli’s words were echoed by many players and executives throughout the Red Sox organization.  Fans have also flocked to Fenway Park with the highly original “Fear the Beard” signs while sporting fake beards that look like they could have been taken straight from unopened boxes in San Francisco with Brian Wilson no longer a member of the team.

“These beards just give us confidence,” said the gritty, scrappy, fearless, pugnacious Red Sox second baseman Dustin Pedroia. “I’m a short guy, but now that I have this beard, I just know I intimidate everyone on that field. I can’t believe that I didn’t think of this sooner!”

Pedroia declined to comment when shown pictures of himself sporting a beard in every other season he has played in the big leagues.

“This has been great!” Red Sox outfielder Jacoby Ellsbury told reporters after the team’s ALCS-clinching victory over the Detroit Tigers. “I was never able to grow a beard before, and I think that’s the reason the team always hated me.  Now that I can, I feel like I finally fit in.”

Ellsbury is a free agent at the end of the season and said that he plans to keep the beard no matter where his next destination is, calling it, “a great way to mask his personality."

"I'll shave it if the Yankees offer me $100 million dollars in a few weeks," added Ellsbury while winking at the camera.

Red Sox owner John Henry says he loves the beards and the amount of money the team is making off of selling fake beards at the team store.

"I think it's great for baseball and it's great for business," said Henry. "We are a blue-collar team in a blue-collar city, and this is what it's all about. We tried that 'big spender' mentality for a bit and it just wasn't for us. Now we are back to who we are."

The continued ability of the Red Sox to market themselves as blue-collar is mindboggling, considering the team's $174.1 million dollar payroll being third in all of baseball.

But not everyone on the Red Sox is sold on the beards.  Some players think that it’s goofy, and rely on good, old-fashioned baseball traditions to help the team win.

“Whatever works for them,” said designated hitter David Ortiz, while sporting his trademark chinstrap/wolverine beard. “For me, steroids are enough.  If they want beards, that’s their decision.”

Other Boston athletes were even feeling a little disrespected by the attention the Red Sox beards were receiving from the media.

“We had beards for the Playoffs like six months ago,” said Boston Bruins captain Zdeno Chara. “Why is this even news? If beards made that much of a difference, it would have helped us beat the Blackhawks. Whatever, I hope they lose.”