A few months ago, we did our "Greatest Fictional Baseball Team of All-Time." The following, is the "Greatest (Mostly) Fictional Football Team of All Time." Please enjoy...
QB – Shane “Footsteps” Falco (The Replacements)
For a long time, Shane Falco was remembered as the guy who choked in the 1996 Sugar Bowl against Ohio State. However, after leading the Washington Sentinels to a Playoff berth, Falco has certainly proven he is not only a leader, but has the heart to take any team to the next level.
RB – Julian Washington (Any Given Sunday)
Washington is a selfish player who really only cares about hitting the performance incentives on his contract. This could be a good thing, because you know you'll always get a great effort. It could also be a bad thing, because he's probably a terrible teammate.
FB – Don Billingsley (Friday Night Lights)
I always viewed Don Billinglsey as a stereotypical southern boy trying to live up to his father. Also, his father is Tim McGraw, which still seems strange to me. Thanks to the dearth of movie fullbacks, we can chalk that up as a win for Don.
WR – Rod Tidwell (Jerry Maguire)
Show me the money! Rod Tidwell plays with no fear and his ability to go over the middle and stretch the defense will be vital to this team. As long as he gets paid, he shouldn’t be an issue in the locker room.
WR – Charlie Tweeder (Varsity Blues)
Charlie Tweeder is the original Wes Welker. Think undersized white guy that is shifty and can move around in the slot to find open space. If Tweeder didn’t hang up the cleats after high school, it’s reasonable to think he’d be a New England Patriot right now.
WR – Deacon Moss (The Longest Yard)
Think Michael Irvin, played by Michael Irvin.
WR – Rashid “Hot Hands” Hanon (The Little Giants)
Hanon struggled mightily at the beginning of the season, unable to catch the football, which is the most important attribute of a wide receiver. However, pretending the football is toilet paper is actually the difference maker in his ability to catch the ball. As long as the team is able to practice with some Charmin handy, he should be fine moving forward.
TE – Brian Murphy (The Replacements)
Murphy is a physical specimen that reminds me of a young Jason Witten. His only downside (or perhaps on the road is an upside) is that he is deaf. This shouldn’t be an issue, as he already has built up good rapport with starting quarterback Shane Falco. Actually it could still be an issue, because he can’t hear.
OT – Louie Lastik (Remember the Titans)
Lastik deserves a spot at starting right tackle on almost any team. He calls a mean audible, even if some players pretend not to hear it. He is racially tolerant, which is very important in the NFL. He is a pretty good jokester, as seen throughout Remember the Titans. Also, he’s eligible.
OG – Billy Bob/Reggie Ray (Varsity Blues/Not Another Teen Movie)
This is perhaps one of the great parodies in movie history. The guy who plays the pretty useless and fat offensive lineman, makes fun of himself by playing virtually the same character in Not Another Teen Movie. The only memorable roles that this actor has ever had, was a mentally low-functioning offensive lineman, and the even less intelligent cook in Good Burger.
 |
| Fat one, pictured far right |
Speaking of the fat and useless stereotype, this one might be even worse because he’s a kid. Zoltek likes food so much, that he actually puts a peanut butter and jelly sandwich inside of his helmet in case he gets hungry mid-play. With that being said, after seeing him carry out a fantastic fumblerooski, I was convinced on his ability to play center.
OG – Jumbo Fumiko (The Replacements)
Sumo-wrestler turned offensive lineman? I’m sold.
OT – Big Mike (The Blind Side)
Michael Oher is a real person, and therefore probably shouldn't be considered on this list. That being said, I believe very little of Big Mike’s character being similar to the real life Michael Oher and because of that, will choose him to protect the Blind Side. Besides, going from protecting Flacco to Falco can’t be too complex.
DE – Julius Campbell (Remember the Titans)
Campbell is an inspirational leader as well a hell of a football player. There is no question he is the captain of this defense.
DT – Ivory Christian (Friday Night Lights)
He is probably the coolest football player in any movie. He says very little and shuts up anyone who gets in his way.
DE – Steve Lattimer (The Program)
Steve Lattimer is probably one of the worst human beings on the planet. He is a lock to be suspended for his constant use of PED’s (not that the NFL cares about that) and has more domestic abuse red flags than Chris Brown. But this is football. So who cares?
LB – Gary Bertier (Remember the Titans)
For the record, this is Gary Bertier pre-accident that we are looking for. He was an All-American linebacker and becomes a great teammate by the end of the season.
LB – Becky “IceBox” O’Shea (Little Giants)
The Ice Box is fearless on the football field and she is out to prove that a girl can play just as well as any boy on the field (even though that’s stupid).
LB – Bobby Boucher (The Waterboy)
The Waterboy can probably play and succeed at any position on this team. He has strength that has almost never been seen before and will thrive in the 3-4 system that this team will be running. Look for big numbers, but also a good amount of fines and suspensions while trying to play in today’s NFL.
DE – Luther “Shark” Lavay (Any Given Sunday)
Lavay is the savvy veteran who also happens to be one of the best pass rushers of all time. He can play defensive line or outside linebacker and will prove to be a valuable commodity, despite really only caring about cocaine and getting paid.
CB – Petey Jones (Remember the Titans)
THE running back actually wound up being a pretty lock-down cornerback after struggling to hold on to the football. He complains about calls more than you’d like to see, but show me a cornerback who doesn't.
CB – Alan Bosley (Remember the Titans)
A young Ryan Gosling who might struggle with his ability to cover the deep ball as his stamina has often come into question. But, even if he struggles and gets benched, it will be fun to hear his dad complain about it to the coaches from the stands.
S – Earl Wilkinson aka Ray Smith (The Replacements)
Smith is a criminal, playing football on work release. He might take a lot of coaching on and off the field to truly tap all of his potential, but in a league where Adam “Pacman” Jones can still play, Smith should be no exception.
S – Brian Chavez (Friday Night Lights)
Chavez has a great mix of leadership and football IQ that you would want from your safety. If you can play high school football in Texas, I’m not sure there would be any nerves playing in the NFL.
K – Ray Finkle (Ace Ventura: Pet Detective)
Finkle is a borderline psychopath who lost the Super Bowl for the Miami Dolphins. But the laces were out. Life is all about second chances, and since becoming a woman and kidnapping Dan Marino didn’t work out, maybe another shot on the gridiron makes more sense.
P – Derek Wallace (The Waterboy)
I’m not actually sure that Wallace is also the punter for the Mud Dogs. However, at no point of the movie do you see a punter or any other special team’s player with Farmer Fran. Therefore, I can assume he is the punter. For those of you keeping score at home, his addition to the roster will mean that Avon and D’Angelo Barksdale (The Wire) are both on this football team.
KR – Forrest Gump (Forrest Gump)
This is a no-brainer. He’s fast, and he seems to score a lot of touchdowns in his time with the Alabama Crimson Tide. He will also enjoy the unlimited Dr. Pepper’s in the team locker room.
Notable Bench Players –
QB – Ronnie “Sunshine” Bass (Remember the Titans)
He asserted himself as a tough guy when he stares down an All-American linebacker after flipping him over his back. However, it doesn’t get a lot of talk how well he blocked down the field for Rev on that “Fake 23 blast, with a backside George reverse.” He was literally just laying out the competition.
QB – Willie Beamen (Any Given Sunday)
Beamen is a prima dona who will not be satisfied for long as the backup of this team. Any struggles by Falco and the fans could be clamoring for Beamen. This situation could be volatile if not handled correctly.
RB – Spike (The Little Giants)
Spike don’t play with girls, which could be an issue on this team, but he is everything you want from a downhill runner and can lift a refrigerator with relative ease. I almost pegged Spike as the starter for this team, but let's be honest - a white running back? Also, his fourth quarter ineffectiveness against a putrid Little Giants' defense does have to be concerning.
RB – James “Boobie” Miles (Friday Night Lights)
If it wasn’t for his injury concerns, he is one of the best overall talents on the roster. Coming off of serious knee surgery, he will certainly be deserving of some carries when fully healthy.
RB - Brian "Smash" Williams (Friday Night Lights, TV Show)
Smash is pretty much the exact same character as Boobie Miles. He even tears his ACL his senior season and loses his scholarship (way to get creative Peter Berg). But someone from this team deserves mention here and Matt Saracen isn't the answer and Jason Street is paralyzed from the waist down. Come to think of it, Tim Riggins was more or less a cooler Don Billingsley. Actually J.D. McCoy could be considered, but he was such a dick. Lucky for Smash, it takes place enough years later to where you can recover from an ACL injury.
I know what you're thinking - "Air Bud never proved a thing after junior high!" Well you can save your criticism, because this dog is a matchup nightmare for defenses. Golden Retrievers can run at full speed at 42 miles per hour. He could leave Devin Hester in the dust.
OT – Jamal Abdul Jackson and Andre “Action” Jackson (The Replacements)
Former bouncers that make for pretty decent offensive lineman. These guys prove they will protect their QB on and off the field.
DE - Rudy (Rudy)
Rudy has no business being on this football team. He is not a talented athlete, but he does have a big heart. He will be on the practice squad, and if he’s lucky, he might dress in one game by the end of his career.
ST - Vince Papale (Invincible)
Sure, why not?
DT – Andre Krimm (Necessary Roughness)
It just wouldn’t be a team if you don’t have Sinbad somewhere on the roster. Krimm is a big physical specimen who will clog up the middle for this football team.
LB – Danny Bateman (The Replacements)
Bateman is like a bull going after the quarterback. While his struggles in coverage downfield will cost him a chance to start, he will be a great addition in blitz and goal line packages.
Coach –
Tony D’Amato (Any Given Sunday)
Responsible for one of the best speeches in movie history. He’s got a few more years left while grooming one of his coordinators for the job.
Offensive Coordinator -
Herman Boone (Remember the Titans)
Boone runs the veer. It’s a simple, pistol-type offense that will be sure to pack some punch in today’s NFL.
Defensive Coordinator –
Bill Yoast (Remember the Titans)
Yoast was almost a Hall-of-Famer in whatever Hall of Fame Virginia high school coaches are eligible for. He has a natural eye for seeing the ability in players and will be given plenty of talent to work with.
Quarterbacks Coach -
Eric Taylor (Friday Night Lights, TV show)
I have to admit, Eric Taylor is easily the most likable head coach in any show/movie and any sport. However, he is not ready to be a head coach at this level (whatever level that may be). He was the QB coach at the well-respected TMU for almost half of a season. His development work to turn 5'9 Matt Saracen into a Texas State-Champion QB was perhaps the best coaching of all-time. Clears Eyes. Full Hearts. Can't Lose.
Special Teams Coordinator –
Fran might not look like much, but the guy knows how to coach. Ran a brilliant scheme to recover a crucial onside kick in the Bourbon Bowl.
A football movie combining some of these fictional players would be a great idea. Who says there has to be one hero, we can have lots, they sure deserve the space.
ReplyDelete