Real Cowboys Demand the Dallas Cowboys Change Name

It has been a hot-button issue around the country for the past year or so.  Many have recently become offended by the name of the Washington Redskins because it is insulting to Native Americans.  Others have now taken notice, as real American Cowboys have now voiced their displeasure with the Dallas Cowboys’ name.

“It’s not right!” said famous gun-slinger “Curly Bill" Brocius.  “They are making a Cowboy look like a dang yellow belly. We are naturally clutch people.  We win gunfights and shootouts.  We demand a change!”

The story has been one to quickly gain traction with supporters.  Thousands who have never thought twice about the Cowboys’ name are now speaking out against it.

Artists' rendition of an actual cowboy

“I just can’t believe that they would consider using that name,” said global activist Phil Simms. “A ‘Cowboy’ is an outlaw and a hero all in one.  Going 8-8 every season and having Jason Garrett as your head coach couldn’t be further from representing that group of people.”

Simms said that he will not say the name “Cowboys” on CBS season this season out of respect for the “folks on the corral.”

Other American Cowboys have organized protests against America’s Team and the refusal for a name change. 

“I can’t believe that they would continue to just drag our name through the mud,” said “Texas John” Slaughter.  “I bet half of these guys can’t even ride horses! And Tony Romo? He is the kind of guy who would squat with his spurs on.  If that choke-artist was in a draw he’d probably drop the gun.”

Roger Goodell was firm on his stance that no team will be forced to change names.  He also downplayed the idea that this is all a power-play by cowboys to avoid being upstaged by Indians in gaining support by pop-culture.

"The Cowboy-Indian rivalry is one of the greatest in our country's history," said Goodell while sporting a new #FreeRayRice t-shirt. "We need to understand that football should always come first.  The idea that these die-hard fans should have to change the name of their favorite team because it offends people is not fair to those fans."

Cowboys Attempting to Set New Records in Defensive Futility

The 2013 Dallas Cowboys’ defense was a unit that set many team records. Unfortunately for them, most of those records came from having the worst ranked defense in the NFL. This year, the team plans to turn heads in an attempt to top their 32nd ranked defense and become even worse.

“We don’t want to set the bar too high,” said team owner, president, general manager and self-proclaimed American-hero Jerry Jones. “We think if we aim for the 32nd in total defense, we will put too much pressure on the players. If we aim for 33rd or 34th, finishing 32nd won’t seem so bad. Plus, it will not change the fact that we have the best scoreboard in the league. Maybe even the world."

Last season, the Cowboys allowed a league-worst 415.3 yards per game. They set franchise records in total yards allowed and passing yards allowed. In one game, they allowed 40 first downs by the New Orleans Saints’ offense, breaking a 25-year-old record. 

“I admit we did a few things wrong,” said 96-year-old defensive coordinator Monte Kiffin. “I take the blame for it. There were a few games I fell asleep in the booth and there was nobody calling defensive plays. It got very confusing for the players.”

So far this offseason, the Cowboys have responded to the criticism with some big-name moves. First, they cut their best defensive player and future Hall-of-Famer DeMarcus Ware. A couple of days later, they watched last season’s sack leader Jason Hatcher leave the team for the rival Washington Redskins. The decisons have led to a lot of questions by fans and the media wondering who will play on the defensive line next season.  

“The defensive line isn’t the only part of the defense,” said the most mediocre person in NFL history and head coach Jason Garrett. “We figure not having a defensive line will prevent teams from throwing deep for touchdowns so often. This way, teams will just run the ball into our non-existent line.”

The team is hoping that setting new records for futility on the defensive side of the ball will lead to high-scoring games and not give Tony Romo the opportunity to blow the game on his own.

“I’m really excited for the new system,” said famous choke-artist Tony Romo. “The worse the defense plays, the more I get to throw the ball.  Not to mention, the more we are losing, the less I can ruin things. It’s kind of win-win. For me, anyway.”

As for the coach, he believes his team is capable of putting together a fourth-straight 8-8 season if they continue to play Cowboys' football.

"Defense or no defense, we have what it takes to get back to .500 this coming season, Garrett said with excitement. "We come into every season with a goal to sell tickets and be very ordinary at football.  I don't see why this year should be any different."

EA Sports Announces Tony Romo Receives First Ever “0” Clutch Rating in Madden 25

Videogame Company, “Electronic Arts” confirmed today that Tony Romo has become the first player in Madden history to get a 0 rating in clutch factor.  An added feature in the 2012-13 version of Madden, the clutch factor was primarily designed to mimic the realistic end-of-game advantages that the leagues’ top players possess towards the end of close games.  In this case, the feature will mimic the quarterbacks’ unprecedented ability to turn the ball over in key situations.

“It’s a rather remarkable feature,” said Andrew Wilson, EVP of EA Sports. “We felt as a company that preaches accuracy, we had to find a way to give fans a true experience of what it is like to control Tony Romo at the end of close games.”

The game has made news with its ratings before.  In  Madden 2008, Devin Hester was the first player to receive a 100 rating for speed.   After the Bears' one-dimensional star returned six kicks for touchdowns, the creators of the game knew they had to find a way to showcase his ability.  With the addition of the new clutch feature, they feel they have finally found a way to do that for Tony Romo.

“It’s just so difficult to do, because there is really no precedent for a player like this,” said Madden producer Donny Moore.  “I mean, the guy can throw with arm strength and accuracy as good as anyone in the league.  But how do we justify giving him the same rating as a Tom Brady and a Peyton Manning?  Well, now we have finally found a way.”

From a technical standpoint, the clutch factor does not have any effect until there are two minutes remaining in the game and it is within one score.  Developers said that Romo’s 93 rating drops to a 17. His accuracy goes from a 90 to an 11 and his field awareness drops from an 88 to a 6.  They added that just to make sure there are no slipups in the game, every defender that Romo is facing has his rating changed to a 99 for the remainder of the game.

“We just didn’t want someone to get the wrong idea,” said an EA representative.  “We know how many people play this game, and we don’t want to be responsible for someone’s television blowing up in confusion if Tony Romo leads a game winning drive.  We feel that our software has successfully removed any outliers.”

As for Romo, he shrugged off the notion of his continued knack for disaster in the clutch.  He said that he has no control over what the company decides to do and can only use it as motivation.

“I can’t let some silly videogame distract me from what this team is trying to accomplish,” said a jovial Romo, sporting his trademark boyish smile and holding a Gameboy Color in his left hand.  “Maybe instead of blaming me for everything, you can go ask a defender on this team to try and name the Broncos’ punter.”

The Cowboys front office said they still have confidence in Romo to lead this team, despite him not being able to ever again win in Madden 25.  They mentioned that they would talk to league officials to see if they can have all of the clocks changed to show more time remaining in the fourth quarter in an attempt to trick Romo in thinking the game is not on the line.