Cowboys Attempting to Set New Records in Defensive Futility

The 2013 Dallas Cowboys’ defense was a unit that set many team records. Unfortunately for them, most of those records came from having the worst ranked defense in the NFL. This year, the team plans to turn heads in an attempt to top their 32nd ranked defense and become even worse.

“We don’t want to set the bar too high,” said team owner, president, general manager and self-proclaimed American-hero Jerry Jones. “We think if we aim for the 32nd in total defense, we will put too much pressure on the players. If we aim for 33rd or 34th, finishing 32nd won’t seem so bad. Plus, it will not change the fact that we have the best scoreboard in the league. Maybe even the world."

Last season, the Cowboys allowed a league-worst 415.3 yards per game. They set franchise records in total yards allowed and passing yards allowed. In one game, they allowed 40 first downs by the New Orleans Saints’ offense, breaking a 25-year-old record. 

“I admit we did a few things wrong,” said 96-year-old defensive coordinator Monte Kiffin. “I take the blame for it. There were a few games I fell asleep in the booth and there was nobody calling defensive plays. It got very confusing for the players.”

So far this offseason, the Cowboys have responded to the criticism with some big-name moves. First, they cut their best defensive player and future Hall-of-Famer DeMarcus Ware. A couple of days later, they watched last season’s sack leader Jason Hatcher leave the team for the rival Washington Redskins. The decisons have led to a lot of questions by fans and the media wondering who will play on the defensive line next season.  

“The defensive line isn’t the only part of the defense,” said the most mediocre person in NFL history and head coach Jason Garrett. “We figure not having a defensive line will prevent teams from throwing deep for touchdowns so often. This way, teams will just run the ball into our non-existent line.”

The team is hoping that setting new records for futility on the defensive side of the ball will lead to high-scoring games and not give Tony Romo the opportunity to blow the game on his own.

“I’m really excited for the new system,” said famous choke-artist Tony Romo. “The worse the defense plays, the more I get to throw the ball.  Not to mention, the more we are losing, the less I can ruin things. It’s kind of win-win. For me, anyway.”

As for the coach, he believes his team is capable of putting together a fourth-straight 8-8 season if they continue to play Cowboys' football.

"Defense or no defense, we have what it takes to get back to .500 this coming season, Garrett said with excitement. "We come into every season with a goal to sell tickets and be very ordinary at football.  I don't see why this year should be any different."