Braun Strikes Back at Critics; Denies Denial

Since news of his suspension broke on Monday, Ryan Braun has dominated the national sports discussion.

In short, the 2011 National League Most Valuable Player has been suspended the remainder of the 2013 season, a period of 65 games, for violating the league’s policies on the use of performance enhancing drugs.

This move appears to be a direct result of an ongoing investigation into the Biogenesis clinic and its proprietor, Tony Bosch, and could be the first in a long line of similar disciplinary decisions handed down by Major League Baseball.

The suspension has generated no shortage of opinions, with several high profile athletes weighing in on the issue.

“I can’t believe this is a guy I trusted,” said legendary cyclist Lance Armstrong. “We were so close we used to get our blood work done together. Dude has some balls to try to pull something like that on the American public.”

Yankees third baseman Alex Rodriguez echoed Armstrong’s sentiments, saying “he is an embarrassment to all of us who try to do things the right way,” before adding, “Wait, he only got 65 games? I need to make a phone call.”

Not all of the responses have been so derisive however.

The brothers Pouncey, NFL stars and noted advocates of social justice, were seen sporting “Free Braun” t-shirts at a gun expo in North Attleboro, Mass., while University of Miami Athletic Director Blake James was quoted as saying, “Ryan remains a shining example of the character we instill in our student-athletes here at the University of Miami. In the realm of a Jewish man having a detrimental impact on the image of our department, this one wasn’t so bad.”

 
It has been reported that 50 games of the suspension have been attributed to the use of PEDs, while the remaining 15 stem from Braun’s actions following his first positive test in October 2011. 

In the wake of the announcement, much of the criticism from journalists and the public alike has focused not on Braun’s alleged drug use, but his vehement denial of those allegations following the dismissal of his initial positive test.

Not one to let his name be dragged through the mud, Braun blasted back at those critics through a statement on Tuesday night:

I could have never, ever envisioned being in this position where I would have to face such malice and slander as I have endured over the last 24 hours from those claiming I would ever be so bold to deny my use of performance enhancing drugs. The last day or so has been difficult but I view this as an opportunity just as I have every other challenge in my life – an opportunity to continue my cycle. 
 

I have absolutely no respect for the game of baseball and have always, and will always put what is in my best interest ahead of what is best for the game. By no means am I perfect, but if I ever intentionally or unintentionally painted the use of PEDs in a negative light or tried to disassociate myself from the amazing benefits, I would be the first to admit it. I can't get into all the details, but I truly believe in my heart that this so called denial that has caused such an uproar never occurred. 
 

I also believe that everything in life happens for a reason and we’re able to handle everything that’s thrown at us; except a 95-MPH fastball which is why I started juicing in the first place. It’s just plushdamentals baby.

To the wildly ungrateful Brewers organization, you’re welcome for hitting so many home runs, that a race between men dressed as packaged meat products became the second most interesting reason to come to the ballpark. To the people of the black hole they call the city of Milwaukee, you really have only yourselves to blame. Let’s be serious, if you’re genuinely emotionally invested in Brewers baseball you need to reevaluate some shit. Am I sorry about the $29.99 you spent on that Ryan Braun t-shirt jersey? Nope. And I’m not sorry your girlfriend will probably still want to wear it to bed every night.  

The words class, dignity, honor, integrity and professionalism have been thrown around a lot in this process but I don’t speak Russian. Let me put this in plain American for you -  I love PEDs, I would never claim otherwise, and you can bet your life that this substance has not entered my body for the final time.  

When presented with the overwhelming evidence that he did in fact deny using performance enhancers after his original suspension was overturned on a technicality, Braun recanted his statement, an act which prompted commendation from the Major League Baseball brass.

He has since also been named a Nobel laureate, received the NAACP Image Award and is the early frontrunner for TIME’s Man of the Century.  

NCAA Hits New England Patriots with Vacated Wins and Super Bowl Ban

The NCAA has continued its effort to assert themselves as not only a global leader, but the paradigm of purity and gamesmanship of modern-day athletics. Incredible commitment from President Mark Emmert leaves no stone unturned, assuring that justice prevails for any school attempting to break the rules. Today, the NCAA was at it again, announcing that New England Patriots will be forced to vacate all wins since the 2010 season and receive a three-year Super Bowl ban.

“The Patriots have been a model organization for years,” said NCAA president Mark Emmert in a statement issued this morning. “However, nobody is untouchable. They have broken the rules and will be forced to pay the price, just like anybody else.”

Emmert says the NCAA conducted a private investigation in order to assure that the Patriots knew and understood they were drafting a criminal during the 2010 NFL Draft. He said a “toxic” culture has taken over New England, enabling them to employ a known potential murderer.

“Wins are sacred in this game,” Emmert said. “We don’t know what could possibly punish the Patriots more, than to take prized collegiate memories away from their fans and determining that those wins never happened.”

As for the Super Bowl ban, Emmert said that whoever loses the AFC Championship game to the Patriots will be awarded a spot in the Super Bowl, due to the ineligibility for New England. When asked why the Patriots would even get to play in the playoffs, Emmert was caught whispering to his deputy, "Fuck if I know. I'm just making this up as I go."

When news reached Ohio State University head coach, and former mentor of Aaron Hernandez, Urban Meyer, he was somewhat shockingly in agreement with President Emmert. “I completely support the decisions of Mark Emmert,” said Meyer. “You can’t have criminals on your team, period. It’s irresponsible and unfathomable for the Patriots to even think they could get away with it.”

When asked about the 41 of 121 players on the 2008 Florida Gators, who have since been arrested, Meyer walked out of the room and refused to answer any further questions. Emmert was very complimentary of Meyer, saying that it’s not all about arrests for the NCAA.

“Academics are priority number one,” said Emmert. “This is amateur athletics and if there is one thing our organization is concerned with, it’s academics.”

Emmert declined to comment when asked about why the University of North Carolina and the University of Oregon received such minimal penalties for major academic scandals. He instead was eager to elaborate on the Aaron Hernandez penalties.

“The death penalty was definitely something we considered,” Emmert told reporters. “At the end of the day, we decided if Aaron Hernandez is unable to receive the death penalty, the Patriots shouldn’t either. They can both be thankful they are in Massachusetts,” Emmert said with a smirk.  

As for the NFL, Roger Goodell was very surprised to hear about the NCAA sanctions.

“Is that a joke?” Goodell said earlier in a conference call. “Why would I care what the NCAA has to say about our league? They can’t just penalize an NFL team because they feel like it. Stop it.”

Despite Goodell's comments, Emmert is confident the penalties will stick. He says he will talk to Goodell down the road, but for now, the NCAA will have the final say.