Don’t even try to look Eastern European around Liam Neeson.
One NBA veteran learned
his lesson the hard way last night, as newly-inked Milwaukee Bucks big man,
Zaza Pachulia, landed in a Milwaukee area hospital. Pachulia suffered multiple
gunshot wounds, and a collapsed lung after having the misfortune of crossing
paths with the 51-year-old action icon at the swanky Milwaukee gentleman’s
club; Brats & Twats.
Pachulia, who hails from
the nation of Georgia, was celebrating his freshly minted three-year, $15
million dollar deal with the Bucks. The signing reunites the 6-11 center with
head coach Larry Drew who coached who coached Pachulia for the last three years
in Atlanta.
According to reports,
Neeson entered the club and joined Pachulia and his wife, Tina. As food was
being served, the conversation took a dark turn when Neeson allegedly
discharged a bullet into Tina’s left arm. Several eyewitness accounts
recall the star of the Taken franchise screaming, “It’s just a
flesh wound!” before commencing to brutalize the unsuspecting Pachulia.
Neeson is known to
frequent the Badger State to prowl the expansive countryside for wolves
to engage in hand-to-hand combat. He remained defiant in an interview
shortly after being detained.
“I was simply doing my
duty as a naturalized citizen of this great country,” said the native Northern
Irishman with his trademark stoicism. “Atlanta is the place where the players
play and when I saw this man make a habit of not playing, I knew he needed to
be dealt with.”
“It came out of nowhere,”
uttered Pachulia in garbled speech from his hospital bed. “He just kept calling
me Marco, and telling me to give him back his daughter. I didn’t even know he
had a daughter.”
When approached with
Pachulia’s comments, Neeson seemed unconvinced, offering his retort:
"You think I haven’t
heard that before? Look, I have a very particular set of skills that I have
acquired over a long career and I was simply trying to put an end to the
farce that this man has been perpetrating for the better part of the last
decade. This is a man whose net worth simply does not match up with his
complete lack of discernible skill and that fits him into the profile of an
unsavory element which I have extensive experience disposing of."
While his sustainability in Hollywood is
undeniable, it remains unclear how a career that includes turns in Les
Miserables and the animated disaster Ponyo directly translates
into overt prejudice and unprovoked acts of violence.
When asked to present a recent photo of his
daughter and where he had last seen her, Neeson replied, “On television with
that douche who chases aliens” and produced this picture:
At first glance, the
above photo may appear to be a candid moment between a loving father and
daughter. However, even the casual observer will eventually realize that the
woman in this shot is actress Maggie Grace, who played Neeson’s hapless
fictional daughter in both Taken films to date. When
reached for comment, Grace did not mince words.
“This dude is a fucking
menace,” she said to a crowd of reporters in France. “This is like the seventh
time he’s done this shit. I hope that guy and his wife make it out okay.”
The Bucks franchise
declined a request for an official comment, but general manager John Hammond is
said to be inconsolable. An organizational source has stated that Hammond
lauded Pachulia for his tenacity and versatility during internal free agent
discussions. He coveted the 10-year veteran because he has a ‘sweet line on
primo 14-year-old Ukranian girs.’
Maybe Neeson was
justified. Pachulia does resemble a sort of nameless henchman and adds about as
much on the court. Does that mean he deserved to be beaten within inches of his
life? Milwaukee County District Attorney John T. Chisholm doesn’t think
so.
“Any speculation on the
victim’s involvement in illegal activity has been uncorroborated,” said
Chisholm in a press conference on Friday morning. This was a deliberate and
vicious attack," he added. "Mr. Neeson’s celebrity status will not be
a factor in how we proceed in this case, and we plan to pursue the maximum
penalty allowable by law.”
When prompted for a
response to Chisholm’s stance Neeson offered a stern warning of his own…
“Good luck.”
Somewhere, Jan Vesely is on high alert.
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