Miami Dolphins to Hire Actual Dolphins to Coaching Staff

Last season, first-year head coach Joe Philbin led the Miami Dolphins to a 7-9 record, the team’s fourth straight losing season.  In an effort to shake things up, the team announced today they have let go of coordinators Mike Sherman and Kevin Coyle and will be replacing them will actual dolphins.

“We feel this is a winning move,” said general manager Jeff Ireland at a press conference held earlier today. “Dolphins are widely recognized as the second-smartest mammal on the planet, and we feel that in the city of Miami, they are probably the smartest.”

The news was a surprising revelation all things considered. While real dolphins have been present at Sun Life Stadium before as the team’s mascot, which can be seen in Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, it has presumably never been considered to use the mammal in an even greater capacity.

“I’m excited,” said Dolphins second-year quarterback Ryan Tannehill . “When I was nine-years-old, I had a chance to meet some dolphins while on vacation with my family in Aruba. They seemed really nice, and probably can’t be any worse than Mike Sherman. Plus it will be nice to have coaches that don’t spend half the practice asking if they can meet my wife.”

While Tannehill’s support comes at a bit of a surprise, it does beg the questions how the dolphins will logistically contribute in the game.  After all, the species does need to be immersed in water or they will almost certainly die.

“It’s 2013, and this wouldn’t be Miami if we couldn’t design a stadium with dolphin tanks on the sidelines,” said team owner Stephen Ross. “This isn’t some sort of publicity stunt to try to get fans to the stadium. That is not how Miami sports teams operate. We honestly feel this puts us in the best position to succeed.”

When asked about the potential barriers facing the new coaches for road games, Ross declined to comment.

“Look. We haven’t won a Super Bowl since 1973,” the owner said. “We literally had the best quarterback in NFL history for 17 seasons and couldn’t win a thing, so forgive me for trying to get creative. Nobody complained when the Jets hired a fucking whale as their head coach.”

Still, you would have to imagine head coach Joe Philbin will not be thrilled with having to go through coaches meetings with the lovable mammals.

“I love it!” Philbin told reporters in a conference call today. “I had a meeting with them earlier and I really think they will bring a lot to this team. I think [Offensive Coordinator] Flipper can really help a guy like Tannehill grow into his own as a quarterback and that [Defensive Coordinator] Nicholas is going to turn some heads with the pass rush. We went over signals that they will use to call plays, and assuming the Patriots don’t tape our practices again or just murder the dolphins, the system should work out very well.”