A-Rod Sent Doctor X-Ray of Wrong Quad

You can’t open the newspaper in New York these days without reading about something that Alex Rodriguez has done wrong. Whether it is striking out in the postseason, delaying his surgery for months, being excited about returning to action, or just being a terrible human being in general, the third-baseman’s name has been ubiquitous around the baseball universe.

Yesterday, Michael Gross, a steroid-doctor who examined the MRI of Alex Rodriguez’s injured quad, went on WFAN and ESPN Radio to publically state that he saw no evidence of an injury. However, it has since been brought to Gross’ attention that the MRI sent to him was of the wrong quad.

“I have never met Alex Rodriguez,” Gross said this morning. “I got into my office and saw a manila folder sitting on my desk. Inside, there was a large wad of cash and an x-ray with the word’s ‘A-Rod’s Right Left Quad’ written on the top.”

In short, after having surgery on his left hip this past January, Rodriguez began a rehab assignment in the beginning of July. In the final days of his rehab assignment, he felt pain in his left quad and after being examined by team doctors, they claimed that he had a Grade 1 strain that would sideline him for another two weeks.

“It was an accident really,” Rodriguez said. “Each time I go to the doctor, I have them x-ray every bone in my body. I have a 300 million dollar contract and have run out of ways to spend money, so this seemed like a good idea. I must have grabbed the wrong x-ray when I sent it to the doc.”

Rodriguez is on the verge of facing a serious suspension from Major League Baseball for his involvement with a biogenesis clinic in Miami. Many have thought that the Yankees have been trying to prevent A-Rod’s return in hopes of collecting insurance on the ridiculous contract that the team inexplicably offered him in the first place.

“When Alex is healthy, he will play,” Yankees general manager Brian Cashman told reporters yesterday. “I’m not sure if you have been watching our games, but Brett Lillibridge started at third base last night. He is currently hitting .081 on the season. I don’t care if [Rodriguez] is playing with one arm, he can’t be worse than that.”

When asked about the mishap with the doctor, Cashman said, “I already tried telling him to just keep his mouth shut and stop doing anything. Often times when I wake up in the morning, I think to myself, ‘How is Alex Rodriguez going to fuck my day up today?’”

Gross says he did not feel the need to accept any blame for the situation. “Did I find it a little unusual that all of the bones and tendons in the x-ray were backwards? Yes. But, the x-ray clearly stated it was from his left quad,” said Gross. “Alex is a true professional and an honest man, who am I to question him?”

As for the critics, they just want to see Rodriguez back on the field and are done with the excuses. "Dis guy aint foolin anyone," said WFAN host of Mike's On, Mike Francesa. "Da Yankees know moah than dis knucklehead. Enough already."