Writers Confused When Harper Declares Season a Success

Bryce Harper made it official today, declaring the 2013 Washington National’s season a success. Harper, in his second year, is hitting .273 with 15 HR and 35 RBI while primarily batting leadoff for the Nationals.

“We’re right on schedule,” a giddy Bryce Harper told reporters yesterday in the locker room after beating the hapless New York Mets.  “Team success is not something I ever focus on. As long as I am having a good season, I consider it a positive year.”

Harper’s comments come in the midst of an extremely disappointing season for the Nationals. Picked by many sports writers as a World Series favorite, the team is 52-54 and 8.5 games behind the Atlanta Braves in the National League East.

“I was honestly just surprised people thought this team could contend,” said Harper. “I mean, our cleanup hitter is Adam LaRoche. That alone should tell you this team isn’t contending for anything. Plus, if we get close to winning, our front office will probably just shut down our best pitchers.”

The sentiments expressed by Harper seem to go against everything we typically hear from professional athletes. To most, winning is everything and having a competitive instinct is what fuels a player to succeed.

“Sure, I’m extremely competitive,” admitted Harper. “I want a bigger contract than anyone else in the sport! I figure in a few years, I can probably cash in for a big pay day from the Yankees or Angels. I’m kind of like the Samsung Galaxy; the next big thing is already here.”

Nationals’ manager Davey Johnson was not thrilled by the comments of the young star, saying the team has plenty of youth and excitement to build around.

“Bryce is just frustrated by the team this season,” said Johnson. “But, he has been there to work with other young guys like Anthony Rendon and Danny Espinosa.”

To which Harper responded, “Fuck Anthony Rendon. Why would I care how he plays? What was he the sixth-overall draft pick? Cool bro.”

Harper even seemed dissapointed with the legnth of the baseball season, originally believing the season to conclude after the All-Star break.

"Isn't that how it works in the NFL?" said the outfielder. "I mean we just played the All-Star Game. It's over. Why are we still playing these makeup games? Did they have this many rainouts while I was gone? The season ended July 16. At least that's what I wrote down on my bulletin board in February."

 

As for the team, Harper recognizes the season has been a dissapointment and that this team can "probably" get back to the title-contenders that had been expected of them.

“Do you honestly think I give a fuck about the World Series?” Harper asked reporters. “I’m just still pissed I lost the Home Run Derby to that Cuban freak show. I would take a case full of Home Run Derby Trophy’s over those tiny World Series rings all day.  All I know for sure is that this season has been a success. The goal of the 2013 Washington Nationals was to make me an all-star, right?”