NCAA Hits New England Patriots with Vacated Wins and Super Bowl Ban

The NCAA has continued its effort to assert themselves as not only a global leader, but the paradigm of purity and gamesmanship of modern-day athletics. Incredible commitment from President Mark Emmert leaves no stone unturned, assuring that justice prevails for any school attempting to break the rules. Today, the NCAA was at it again, announcing that New England Patriots will be forced to vacate all wins since the 2010 season and receive a three-year Super Bowl ban.

“The Patriots have been a model organization for years,” said NCAA president Mark Emmert in a statement issued this morning. “However, nobody is untouchable. They have broken the rules and will be forced to pay the price, just like anybody else.”

Emmert says the NCAA conducted a private investigation in order to assure that the Patriots knew and understood they were drafting a criminal during the 2010 NFL Draft. He said a “toxic” culture has taken over New England, enabling them to employ a known potential murderer.

“Wins are sacred in this game,” Emmert said. “We don’t know what could possibly punish the Patriots more, than to take prized collegiate memories away from their fans and determining that those wins never happened.”

As for the Super Bowl ban, Emmert said that whoever loses the AFC Championship game to the Patriots will be awarded a spot in the Super Bowl, due to the ineligibility for New England. When asked why the Patriots would even get to play in the playoffs, Emmert was caught whispering to his deputy, "Fuck if I know. I'm just making this up as I go."

When news reached Ohio State University head coach, and former mentor of Aaron Hernandez, Urban Meyer, he was somewhat shockingly in agreement with President Emmert. “I completely support the decisions of Mark Emmert,” said Meyer. “You can’t have criminals on your team, period. It’s irresponsible and unfathomable for the Patriots to even think they could get away with it.”

When asked about the 41 of 121 players on the 2008 Florida Gators, who have since been arrested, Meyer walked out of the room and refused to answer any further questions. Emmert was very complimentary of Meyer, saying that it’s not all about arrests for the NCAA.

“Academics are priority number one,” said Emmert. “This is amateur athletics and if there is one thing our organization is concerned with, it’s academics.”

Emmert declined to comment when asked about why the University of North Carolina and the University of Oregon received such minimal penalties for major academic scandals. He instead was eager to elaborate on the Aaron Hernandez penalties.

“The death penalty was definitely something we considered,” Emmert told reporters. “At the end of the day, we decided if Aaron Hernandez is unable to receive the death penalty, the Patriots shouldn’t either. They can both be thankful they are in Massachusetts,” Emmert said with a smirk.  

As for the NFL, Roger Goodell was very surprised to hear about the NCAA sanctions.

“Is that a joke?” Goodell said earlier in a conference call. “Why would I care what the NCAA has to say about our league? They can’t just penalize an NFL team because they feel like it. Stop it.”

Despite Goodell's comments, Emmert is confident the penalties will stick. He says he will talk to Goodell down the road, but for now, the NCAA will have the final say.