Gilbert Unveils New Metric at Press Conferfence: CURL

Creaky kneed Andrew Bynum reportedly agreed to terms with the Cavaliers this week on a two-year, incentive laden deal. Despite missing the entirety of last season as a member of the Philadelphia 76ers, Cavs owner Dan Gilbert was very excited during the teams' introductory press conference.

"Andrew brings a whole new aspect to the team that we hadn't seen before," Gilbert told the media. "He's got intangibles."

Gilbert motioned to an intern across the room, who brought up two pictures (seen below) of the Cavs' new front-court on the wall behind the podium.

The bow-tied owner pointed to the screen as a wide smile crept across his face. "You think teams can deal with that? The bounce, the curls, the height...I mean, I don't want to say we're a title contender just yet, but I'm damn sure ready to say that we've got the best two bigs in the NBA in terms of hairstyle."

The room fell silent as Gilbert's prideful smile turned to a sinister grin.

"I know what you're all going to say. They're both injury prone. They'll never get through a season together fully healthy. Andrew is overweight, overpaid and under-performing. Anderson looks like sideshow bob. We get it okay!" The smile faded from Gilbert's faced and quickly flipped into a depressing frown as his eyes dropped to the table.

"But I...I mean...we...love Andrew's belly. We love our hair-power..." The defensive owner slammed the podium in-front of him, commanding the attention of the confused reporters, who had dropped their pens along with their jaws long ago. I'm a big Simpsons fan, ok? "WE LOVE SIDESHOW BOB. YOU HEAR ME?!"

A quick chatter shot through the room before the owner stood up, glared through the crowd, and out of the room without addressing any questions.

Confused and pressured, Bynum and Varejao briefly took the stage in an attempt to shine some light on his new owners' comments.

Bynum, used to the L.A. media from his Lakers days, said mostly all the right things to diffuse the situation. "I'm just excited to be a Cavalier. I can't wait to get on the court and play with Kyrie, Dion, and especially this guy," Bynum said, pointing to his front-court teammate next to him.

"As you all know, I played with Pau [Gasol] for years on the Lakers, and our games complimented each other perfectly. The Spanish style fits very well with my game, so I know Anderson and I will have great chemistry right off the bat," the former Laker said, patting Varejao on the back.

Silence once again blanketed the room as the life-long Cavalier center glared, confused, at his new teammate, uttering just two words before this runaway train of a press conference finished:

"I'm Brazilian..."