Tuesday, June 18, 2013

DNA Test Conclusively Determines Evan Gattis is Actually Descendant From a Bear

In a Press Release by the Atlanta Braves on Monday afternoon the team confirmed reports that catcher Evan Gattis, whose nickname is "El Oso Blanco," or "The White Bear," is indeed a descendant of an Arctic Polar Bear.

"It was originally just supposed to be a joke," said General Manager Frank Wren. "We just went into the doc's office trying to pull a prank on the big fella, but when we got the results back, we all got a real surprise."

The story of Gattis is well-known in major league circles by now. He's the 26-year old former janitor, ski chairlift operator, and pizza boy who has taken the league by storm with his long home runs and bizarre nickname.

Now, the nickname actually holds true. While playing in the Venezuelan winter league, Gattis earned the moniker "El Oso Blanco" from his teammates. The name carried over to the major league club after Gattis earned a spot on the opening day roster due to Brian McCann's offseason shoulder surgery. Since McCann has returned, Gattis has been relegated to starting about two times per week at catcher and left field, as well as being manager Fredi Gonzalez's stud pinch-hitter.

His pinch-hitting has been a boost to the National League East leaders as well. "El Oso Blanco" is 6 for 8 as a pinch-hitter, including four home runs. His four pinch-hit blasts are more than other team.



Now that Gattis is a member of one of the most threatened mammal populations in the world, the question will be if he uses his influence, mainly his ability to communicate with words, to protect his brethren.

"I'm just going to continue to go out there and play baseball, man," said the 6'4'' 230 lbs masher modestly. "If I just happen to improve the lives of some less fortunate bears, then so be it," he added.

When asked if he would attempt to further investigate his polar lineage, Gattis replied, "It's not like I can go to ancestry.com, type in a name, and press enter. It won't be easy."

Yet, nothing has come easy for Gattis in his life, so why would another roadblock stand a chance? Imagine an ancestor of "The White Bear" throwing out the first pitch at a Braves game. We're rooting for it to happen, and you should be too.

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